Kerry's Trip, 2005

JOURNAL

June 1- Wed.- 9:10 pm (US time)

I am on the plane about to take off to London. When I landed in DC my plane to London was already boarding. I did the classic running through the airport that you see in the movies. Now I am relaxed in my seat where I’ll stay for the next 7 hours. For the most part its been too hectic to have the realization of what I’m about to embark on to sink in. However, there have been 2 times when the feelings of excitement, nervousness, fear of the unknown, apprehension etc. have overwhelmed me. The first occurred saying my goodbyes at the airport. We sat outside of security for quite sometime and I was having no worries eating my last US meal of Wendy’s plain cheeseburgers with extra, extra ketchup. But as I was going through security I couldn't help but look back and wave about every 15 seconds. After they were out of sight, I felt very alone and the reality of these next 5 weeks was very present. The next time was on the plane to DC when an elderly couple asked me where I was heading. I prepared to have to start the Q & A that at this point has almost become scripted. Instead, upon informing him that no, I didn't live in DC, but in fact would be going to London, Kenya, then Tanzania. He smiled but was unimpressed. He told me that 10 years ago (when they were - I’m guessing 65-70) he and his wife spend two years in the Peace Corps in the jungle of Papa, New Guinea. When I asked him how he liked it he said, "It was difficult, but very satisfying". Wise words and I imagine my experience will be the same. So many people seemed amazed by what I’m doing but those I encounter... continuously humble me. I have four small children sitting right behind me. Typical. Hope the iPOD decides to hold up.

June 2- Thurs - 11:20 am (London time)

Long plane flight. I slept for about an hour. I had hoped to find a lounge to sleep and shower but no one seems to be able to help me. I am not that tired now but I am sure the lack of sleep will hit especially with another night flight tonight. 9 hours before my next flight and I’m not sure what to do. It took me about 15 minutes of staring at the phone, trying to use a calling card and credit card to call my mom. Ended up calling collect. This airport seems just like the US and since I couldn't see out the plane window (i was in the middle seat by the wing) it just seems like I went in a big room for 6 hours and came out in a place with people that look and act the same. I keep reminding myself that there is now an ocean between the people I care about. My mood is upbeat but I still have a long, long way to go. To the School-Kids crew - thanks for the mixes they are amazing. To my friends and family- those I see everyday and those I haven't in a long time-you are on my mind.

June 3- Friday - 7:50 am (Tanzania Time)

My first impressions of Africa are that it is amazingly beautiful and that the people and way of life are completely different. The Kenyan airport was incredibly unorganized. I didn't know what plane was boarding when.  Miraculously I have all of my luggage (I saw it being put on the plane). My journey in one sense is almost done as I should be in Arusha in about an hour. A whole new journey will start then. The hours in London crept by but the flight to Nairobi went quickly as I sat next to an Indian businessman from Nairobi who was full of advise. He even quizzed me on my Swahili. I got my first taste of African food when they gave us dinner on the plane. They somehow managed to make chicken and peas into a very spicy and stomach irritating dish. However, overall my health is pretty good. Once it was nighttime over Europe I saw the glowing of lights illuminating the land.  After passing over the Mediterranean, however, the view of Africa below was complete darkness. It's incredible to think with the luxuries we have in the US that so many still don't have electricity. After watching sideways (finally) I watched the sunrise mixed with the clouds and the mountainous horizon. It was stunning. I haven't slept more than two or three hours since I left but I feel very awake and alert. I am anxious to meet the person coming to get me at the airport and to be settled in Arusha. At the same time I am so pleased with how my travels have faired- interesting people mixed with no major catastrophes have kept me in good spirits. Its funny how scared people bond together. Several times I've been confused and have asked a question to the crowd around me. Usually they are similarly confused and finding the answer together starts an instant friendship. I helped a group of maybe seven Indian men from Bombay speaking no English get on the flight with me. Even  with no common language, a connection can be made, and goodness and kindness can be mutually reciprocated.

June 3- Friday.- 11:41 pm

I'm laying in bed about to go to sleep for my first night in Tanzania. The hostel is very cozy. We share showers (no hot water and lots of bugs) and I share a room with a girl named Jade. Not only has she been to Kenya but her 3 years of Swahili have already been invaluable. The city of Arusha is crowded, dirty, and rundown by American standards. But it has a "quaint" feel and the people seem hospitable (the exception being the street vendors who will approach you and follow you even if you say no). The food is very different including so called American food. We went to an Indian restaurant called "Big Bites" for dinner. Just when I was beginning to think I was going to struggle a lot with eating, I found an awesome dish called Chicken Tikka. It's boneless and served in a red sour sauce. Tomorrow I have all day to explore the city. I am going on my first run, want to find faster internet (It took 8 minutes today to get into my inbox.) and check out the AICC which is the conference center where the Rwandan genocide trials are currently ongoing. To back track a second, the drive from Kilimanjaro airport to Arusha through the rural country was an awesome site. Lots of green trees, huts, crops, Maasai tribe members walking the highway, run down shops, and towering mountains in the background. I couldn't take pictures fast enough. Everything is so new. I've already looked through my pictures from home 3 times in an attempt to grasp onto the familiar. Wake up is at 7am for breakfast.  It's fixed by the nuns who run the hostel. I need more sleep.

June 4- Saturday- 8:33pm

My roommate Jade and I are sitting here doing our daily writing. It's been a very eventful day. I slept an amazing 10 1/2 hours and then ran about 6 miles. I'll get back to the run later. Jade and I met her Maasai friend, Baraka, who took us into a back neighborhood to a small NGO (non governmental organization) that he works for called OIPA (Organization of Indigenous People of Africa). He works with his Maasai village - population 1,000 about 50 miles outside the city- teaching them about HIV and about their land rights. He is the first generation of maasai to go to school. He has been to college, speaks English, and is a Christian. However, the majority make a living raising cattle and are polygamous. Having multiple wives is a sign of wealth and therefore conflicts with the HIV prevention efforts aimed at having only one partner. He spoke about his 8 years of cattle grazing before he went to primary school, of their diet of milk, meat, flour, and blood, and about the traditional colors (red) worn that are tied to the circumcision ceremonies. The Maasai wives are assigned jobs by their husbands and grown men actually do no work. He didn't understand why so many of these things seemed surprising. Other important events of the day included buying fabric and taking it to a tailor (speaking no English) to have a blouse, skirt, and head wrap made. The fabric is a beautiful print of green, yellow, and brown. She took extensive measurements of me and I chose the design from many on the wall. I am so excited. I also tried ugali for the first time... which is really tasty. It's a big white ball of corn that you eat with your hands. It has no taste but is served with an orange gravy like substance that has vegetables in it. It tastes a lot like vegetable soup. Overall the food is good and cheap. For example, for dinner tonight at "Milk and Honey" I got a soda for 300tsh (30 cents), water for 700tsh, chicken and ugali for 1600tsh, and a Tanzanian version of a donut for 300tsh. So basically I spent $2.90. Apparently this is a fancy restaurant too. Baraka thought it was very expensive. I used my first bathroom with no toilet at the restaurant. On the ground there was a porcelain place to put your feet and a porcelain hole. You even flush it.  There's no actual toilet. Thankfully my squatting skills are pretty proficient from many long runs in the woods. Thoughts on my run: I have always thought running was the best way to really "see" a new place. Not only are you in the middle of everything but you cover more ground than walking. It's hard to describe my run in words so let me describe it using the 5 senses..... The smell of the diesel fumes on the highly trafficked highway out of town make me feel as if I'm smoking and exercising simultaneously. I could taste the dust and dirt in the air. I also tasted the slightly metallic taste that I always have when I'm running and not getting quite enough oxygen. The change in altitude (5000ft here) makes the air thin. I am noticeably more tired running and breathe harder. For the sensation of touch.... The surface beneath my feet is a hardened dirt which I'm sure the UNC Cross Country team would die to be able to run on (maybe it would decrease our stress fractures ?!?). I also feel the wind from cars rushing by me often preceded by hearing a honk, as I tend to be in the way of cars not having fully adapted to them driving on the left. Driving in general tends to be fast, reckless, and an accident waiting to happen. I also hear greetings and questions in both Swahili and English from people I pass. "jambo habari? " (hello, how are you) I reply "azuri sana" (very good). Many things in Swahili are yelled that I don't understand. in English. Usually it's "hello". if I reply "hello" its usually followed by a nod and a smile but some will be confused and answer "I'm fine" or "yes". Others yell "run" or "why run". But it was what I saw on my run that was truly moving. Poverty like I have only seen in movies or on those commercials of Christian foundations where an American man is holding a poor indigenous girl asking you to send money to feed her. Outside of town houses and shops line the street. All are run down shacks with countless people inside. People sit on the porch staring and have not moved when I pass back by 30 minutes later. Others walk along the path- women balancing fruit baskets on their head, men hurrying to the daladala (bus) stop to join the other 20 people in the 12 seater oversized vans, and children who run up beside me and run with me part of the way or wave at me from across the road and whose faces come alive when I wave back. Their parents are no where to be found. I find the children seek me out to communicate. However, the older Tanzanians are less likely to greet me or make eye contact. They seem so hardened and lifeless. I wonder what a typical day is like for them and the stories they could tell. I think as our paths cross how different their life is from mine and that they probably have no idea that a lifestyle such as mine exists. Later this afternoon when I was walking around Arusha with Jade and Baraka a toddler barely old enough to walk appeared out of no where and grabbed her hand. She was so cute and took us over to her sister and mother sitting on the side of the road. None of them asked for money or even put out their hand. Maybe that was the goal- take the pitiful approach over the overt begging. Jade and Baraka each gave small coins but I had none so gave a 500 tsh bill (50 cents) without giving it much thought. Her face started glowing. It was so much money for her. She was clearly astounded by my gift. That will probably buy food for her family that day. And to think how often I throw away 4 dollars at a coffee shop....

June 6- Monday- 8:07 pm

We started orientation today. It’s been an exhaustingly busy day. I simultaneously came down with a cold and a stomach bug at the same time (not surprising for me I guess). Being under the weather here is hard. I’m already not totally adjusted to Tanzanian time and have felt somewhat sleep deprived. So now to be sick too- there just isn't time with our schedules. I’ve now met all of the Global Service Corps Volunteers- 14 total. I like some more than others but overall everyone is extremely nice and extremely motivated. Most people are very close to my age and are premed students. My favorite is my roommate, Jade, my partner in crime. We’ve had a great time coming back to the room at night and analyzing our day and this strange place. Also, there’s Dan, a 19-year-old gay guy who just went back to college at Colombia. I think he managed to bring his entire house in his suitcase and has a GPS system for Arusha (AKA.. computerized map). His hobbies are cooking and eating. He has never "roughed" it before but luckily bought clothes from Old Navy for the trip and plans to throw them away when he gets back. We’ve formed a running group in the morning now that the University of Richmond runner girl is here. She’s nice and means well but of course was trying to "pound" and wanted to run 5th in front of me. We’ll see how long our group runs last. We’re having orientation at a hotel in town. We did a scavenger hunt through the city led by the counterparts (job title of the Tanzanian college age students acting as translators during the camp). It was good to see new things but the walking was so tiring with how I felt. In the afternoon a local teacher came and told us about the history and culture in the country as well as giving our first Swahili class. Jade and I picked up our clothes from the tailor. Mine are beautiful and fit like a glove. It’s such a difference when something is made to fit your body exactly. We also stopped by the market to get bread, peanut butter, and saran wrap. We’ve decided to make peanut butter sandwiches to give all the kids on the street asking for money. I don't think it helps them in the long run to give them money and if I tell them they can buy one item from the street vendor they always choose junk food. So we are combating hunger with PB sandwiches!! I am kind of sad to start the Global Service Corps program. I have enjoyed my days of getting lost in the city as my only agenda. Today, in the classroom, felt too much like school and the jam-packed schedule was also a little too familiar. I’m sure that I will settle in. We learn about our home-stay families tomorrow and move in with them on Friday, which is so, so exciting. The hostel, however, is beginning to feel like home. I hand washed my clothes and line dried them for the first time ever. I also have just figured out the settings on the shower to make the water almost lukewarm. More soon I hope. Miss you all!

June 7- Tuesday- 9:57pm

Day two of orientation…. Listening to the sounds outside my window. Currently it’s the guard dogs they let out at 10:30 (none of us are allowed outside past then or they will bite us). At dawn are the roosters from the farm next door and the wild ones one the street. Randomly during the day I hear cows mooing. I couldn’t figure that one out until I was running down a side road across from the house and saw two tied to a fence (no owners in sight). Sundown signals the crickets chirping. It’s like surround sound chirping since they are outside and in several corners of the room. It was raining this morning… as it usually starts the day here before the clouds burn off in the afternoon. We had about a 30-minute walk into town and the roads are extremely muddy. There is no real difference between the sidewalk and the road, which means, besides the frequent near death experience, flying mud from cars is everywhere. Once at orientation, things took a good turn. We learned more about the day camps where we will be teaching. 4 or 5 of us will be at 3 different schools at and around Arusha. There are 70 students at each who applied to come to the camp. The teachers from the schools came and introduced themselves. They seem really excited to have us. We have to be at the Global Service Corps office by 7am to get transported to the schools and return at 3:00. Orientation on HIV/AIDS, training to be teachers, and Swahili lessons will continue for the next 3 days, and then we have 3 days to meet at our school with the teachers and other group members to plan out the lessons. The camp is for the next 10 days (with weekends off). On the last day we have a ceremony at the school where the students perform skits showing what they've learned to their friends and family. I leave most likely the following day, depending on what school I’m in. Also, the weekends are really filling up. Looks like I won't be able to do some of the traveling I’d hoped but still should be fun. This weekend we are supposed to get settled in with our families. The next weekend Global Service Corps is taking us on a one-day safari to lake Manyara. That Sunday Baraka (our Maasai friend) is taking us to his village for the day. Apparently, we'll get to meet the elders, watch traditional dances, and learn bead making. The weekend of the 25th, 5 of us are taking a safari to Arusha National Park, which is home to Mt. Meru and many landfalls and animals. We are doing a 3-hour game drive and 3-hour hike. And I leave the following Sunday. Seems like it's going to fly by. I can't believe it's been a week since if left Cary. The peanut butter sandwiches were a big hit today. Unlike the beggars in the US who seem annoyed when you try to give them food instead of money, these kids were so, so grateful, especially upon seeing the chocolate cookie we put on top. I discovered some fantastic cookies here- they’re a mix between Snack Well and Oreo's. I decided to try them when all the street kids would want me to buy them when I said they could buy one thing. I’ll be sure to bring some back. I also sampled Kilimanjaro beer and banana wine at dinner tonight at the local Expat restaurant. Very tasty. I’m hoping my cold will take a turn for the better tomorrow. ninataka kupumzika sasa. Nitaandika kesho (I want to rest now. I will write tomorrow).

June 8 - Wednesday- 10:36pm

This has been another long day. I’m sitting down for the first time since 7am. Orientation today was on modes of transmission of HIV/AIDS, prevention and the immune system. Our lessons were taught by the head of WIA (Women in Action). She is a Tanzanian woman named Mama Mosha. I’ll give a couple facts that you may not know or that I was surprised by… 42 million people have Aids- 29.4 million live in Sunsaharan, Africa compared with 1.2 million in America. 8% of Tanzanians are infected. Women are more susceptible to contracting HIV. 87% of HIV cases are from heterosexual intercourse. After being infected, a test for HIV won’t show positive results for over a month. HIV can be passed from a mother to child through breastfeeding. HIV kills helper t4 cells so that t8 cells can't kill the virus and b cells can't make antibodies. Eventually, every single person with HIV will die from opportunistic infections. Most people are unaware they have HIV because many remain asymptomatic for 5 to 10 years. Okay, enough depressing facts. The fascinating part of today was seeing how many misconceptions the Arusha school teachers and counterparts had about HIV and healthy sexual behavior. For example, one counterpart thought it was ok to use a condom and then reuse it. Mama Mosha didn't know the parts of the immune system or exactly how HIV attacked the body (We had to teach her. Most of the Global Service Corps volunteers learned a thing or two about local witch doctors. While some mean well, others take advantage of woman who come to them unable to get pregnant. They say if you sleep with me and then go back and sleep with your husband it will make you pregnant. Also they believe needles and knives are sterilized if they are merely rinsed off. It’s amazing to think about the collection of people in our classroom today, groups who represent the most informed about HIV and the most motivated to work to fight it and yet we are still misinformed about many aspects of the disease…then to imagine how many misconceptions exist in the general public- baffling. Swahili class has been a blast. Our teacher is so animated. I know a dance for the verb tenses and personal pronouns and a song for numbers. The language is much more logical than Spanish and sounds beautiful. I am still struggling with picking any of it up on the street. I do have some functional skills like asking directions, ordering food and bartering the price for souvenirs on the street. I ate a cheeseburger today. It was unbelievable. I had to take off the lettuce, tomatoes, and onions because they aren't cooked and may have been washed in tap water but the cheese is some special white kind they have here that I’ve never had. Ketchup is also a no-go. It’s bright red, really watery and bitter. Also a great discovery- Pineapple Fanta- carbonated pineapple juice. The days here fly by- class from 9 to 6 and then dinner from 6:30 to 9 (14 people plus slow service equal 2 1/2 hour meals), hand washing clothes, shower, writing, and trying to be asleep by 11:00 to get up at 6:45 to run. All the days have turned into one big crazy day of navigating through the city, crazy eating experiences, and then goofing around with Jade/writing until bed. Not sure if my journal is interesting to read. What would people like to know more about- the city, Global Service Corps stuff, Tanzanians, other volunteers? Email me at anytime pkbrewer@email.unc.edu. Also, I was able to copy some of the pictures from another volunteer’s Website and paste them into the Journal areas. I hope you enjoy them! I added a link to his Website.  Take care…

June 9- Thursday- 3:34 pm

I have a little extra time before Swahili class today so decided to write now.  Tonight Via Via is having Maasai Night with some performances and a talk about traditional medicine. Also I need to pack because we are meeting our families right after orientation. It was an extremely eye opening day. We had an open forum today about cultural and gender issues that relate to HIV/AIDS. You read things in books, watch things on TV, hear rumors.  But until you are sitting in a room listening to African people talk about some of their practices, I don't think you can ever really understand. The teachers and the counterparts disagree with many of “the ways” in their culture but they are in the middle of it none the less and verify the occurrence of the horrors we all turn our heads from in the US. It is affecting me very deeply to learn the status of women here- they are extremely oppressed and have so few rights. Not to go into another fact session but I think these things are important for Americans to know. Women are responsible for taking care of children, cleaning, caring for the house and animals yet have no decision making power. In many tribes women cannot refuse sex nor have the ability to negotiate condom use. Women have no right to property even the possessions she had before her marriage. If she wants to leave her husband her children are in the custody of the husband. If the husband dies, the woman is forced to marry one of the husband’s brothers. Domestic violence is very common and in one tribe, if women aren't beaten they think that they are not loved. In the Maasai tribe men of the same age are allowed to share their wives. One man can enter an other’s house and leave their spear outside and sleep with the wife. If the husband returns and sees the spear he must wait until they are done and is not allowed to talk to the other man about what transpired. A member of the Maasais was telling me about this. When I told him that in America having relations with your friend's wife is quite possible the ultimate betrayal he seemed shocked. Also, I brought up the point that if you love your wife why allow this to take place- don't you not want her to be with someone else. He just didn't understand. You can imagine how the treatment of women here causes HIV/AIDS to spread rapidly- so many sexual partners and women's lack of choice. I’m sure I’ll elaborate more on this later. I found out my homestay is in a village a couple of kilometers out of town in a place called Sokina. I’m glad to see a new area because I’ve just about exhausted the main part of Arusha. Unfortunately, since my school is in town I will have to find transportation to and from. This may mean the scary daladala. About 6 other Global Service Corps people are also in Sokina so that's comforting. Mr. Kimaro is starting our Swahili class. Kwa heri (goodbye)

June 10- Friday- 10:03 pm                                                         

I moved in with my family today- all 13 of them (mother, father, 6 children, 2 cows, 2 chickens and a dog). They live down a dirt road about a mile from the main highway and a 30-minute walk from town in the African version of a neighborhood. Most of the homes we passed in the neighborhood are small, wooden, and weathered to put it nicely. Kids everywhere, young men pushing wagons, old women sitting on steps, clothes hanging from lines. Pull up to our house- the only one I’ve seen in Sokina with a gate and from the outside it looks close to a typical American home with a dirt driveway, yard and garden and concrete house. My room is nice sized with a dresser to put my clothes in, a little desk, and single bed. When given the grand tour I noticed the strange mix of luxury and primitiveness. There is a TV but no shower (use a bucket) or toilet. There is a sitting room with expensive looking wooden chairs and red cushions but the kitchen outside consists of a charcoal burning fire and I think a kerosene burner on the floor. There is no washing machine, no running water… but there is electricity. Mama Maturo speaks very little English. She is 52, short, slightly overweight and has a very dark complexion. Baba (father) Maturo is tall, thin with defined features. He is a Maasai but has never lived in the Maasai village. He is a mathematician that works at the education institute. The children range from 15 to 26 and all live here. Most are teachers except one and still in school. They are extremely nice and accommodating and seem excited and intrigued by me. I "showered" with my bucket of warm water but didn't know exactly how to wash my hair so I just got it wet and pretended. Then we ate a very, very good dinner of rice, beans, vegetables (greens), pasta, bananas, and oranges. The Baba is quite intimidating and clearly plays an authoritative role here. At the same time there seems to be a lot of love in this home and everyone is happy, outgoing, positive, and genuine. My iPOD proved to be the big icebreaker. This technology has not reached Tanzania and the kids were in absolute awe. They fought taking turns in pairs each getting a headphone for an ear. They wanted to hear American rock and roll. The boys like "hip hop music" like 50 Cent, Jay-Z, and Dr. Dre, which is how they understood when I said I lived on the east coast ..Ha!! I finally got a smile and laugh out of Baba when I put on some reggae music (Mystic Vibrations). He started laughing and dancing. I had to promise the boys there would be time for my guitar tomorrow. My family is wonderful and my first impression is that I will love it here and learn so much. I wish they spoke better English because it is hard to communicate. It gets old talking slowly and simply. But this experience is one you cannot obtain from a weeklong safari or even at a hostel in Arusha. This is the real thing, the real Africa. Even as I squat over the hole to use the restroom, in my mind I am thinking, "I am so lucky".

June 11- Saturday- 9:53 pm

Everyone is in bed. Its early to sleep and early to rise here. The cow, roosters and sounds of breakfast woke me up about 6:30. I asked Emmanuel, one of the brothers who wanted to run with me, if we could wait until later in the morning so I could sleep in and he said "ok how about 8? Ha. Then I joined Gladys, one of my "sisters" at Compassion, an organization for very poor children and orphans where she teaches on the weekend. There are 263 children who were taken from the streets 4 years ago. Thanks to donations they now have uniforms, some paper and a pencil and the relatives can come and receive supplies such as a blanket or some rice. They have a chance to go on field trips to a park or lake to feel more like normal children. I sat in the back of Gladys’ classroom and they kept turning around and smiling. They wanted to take a picture with me so I pulled out my camera. Everyone wanted to stand next to me and hold my hand or sit on my lap. They are such loving, affectionate, innocent children for having so little. This organization has turned their lives around by giving them a chance to receive an education and make a better life for themselves. I have a couple stories to tell- I’ll alternate funny ones with sad ones. First, the oldest brother Winston speaks fluent Spanish but not English and since I don't speak Swahili, Spanish is our common language. For any of you who know my trials with Espanola these past 2 years, there’s great humor here! To think I’d come to Tanzania and use Spanish as a means of communication. Maybe all that time was not a wasted after all. Another volunteer, Laura, told me a story about how she was walking on the road that both our homestays are on and a woman came up and tried to give Laura her baby. She asked her to take it to America and tried to leave. Laura immediately said no and walked away but it says a lot about the their conceptions of America and the lives of many in this country. Another not so uplifting story- I had a long talk today with Irene and Gladys (sisters) about HIV/AIDS. She asked me if it was true that if a person who is infected takes out some of their blood every week and puts healthy blood in if they will live longer? I said no and she didn't understand.  It’s hard to explain biology in English to a person who does not know good English. She also doesn’t want to touch or talk to people with AIDS. I assured her it was fine but I guess it’s hard to believe someone you've known for a day when they've held these facts to be true their whole lives. To end on a happier note, I have not laughed as hard in a long time as I did tonight watching my sisters and brothers play with my guitar. Trying to show them how to hold the guitar, strum, and place their fingers was amusing. And they were all fighting with each other wanting a turn. Again, teaching was hard with the language barrier so I eventually drew a picture with some chords. I am leaving the guitar in the sitting room for them to practice whenever they want.

June 12- Sunday- 9:52 pm

The family invited me to church so I decided why not go and see what it is like. I did not realize at the time it would be a 4-hour commitment. However, aside from the length and not understanding a word- the service was wonderful. The choir danced and sang and the pastor and church leaders did extra things for their "special guest" (I’m only the second American which is why it lasted 4 hours instead of the normal 2). The building is old, paint is chipped and seats are uncomfortable but the energy produced by the congregation proved that, in spirit, it is a very rich church. Afterwards all the church members have an auction of fruits and vegetables. People kept buying food and giving it to me as gifts. By the end I had 12 bananas, 3 avocados, and 2 cucumbers. The pastor said they were to show that I am welcome there and so that I will come again. Not knowing the correct response, I purchased some bananas and presented them to the pastor to say thank you for having me. In the afternoon Gladys and Irene gave me round 2 of lessons on hand washing clothes. They cannot believe I have never done this before. I explained that we have machines to wash our clothes, wash our dishes and heat/cook our food. She posed a very simple but loaded question back, "so what do you do then" (..all day in America, if machines do all the work).... there are so many things in America that this family cannot even conceptualize. For instance, McDonalds, and the concept of a chain where there are many restaurants or one where you can buy cheap fast food. Refrigerator- non-existent here- they can't have leftovers or serve any cold food or drinks. Everything is hot. I have yet to see an ice cube in Africa. Or little things like telling the girls about waxing eyebrows, foundation, and eyeliner. And its not just material things… it’s also ideas. Judakit (coordinator of Compassion) came to the house tonight to talk with me a bout how to teach about AIDS to his children. When I was explaining how the disease hurts the body he told me he had never heard of this "immune system" I spoke of. Another example was on my run today with Emmanuel and the friend he brought along. The friend got tired in the middle and had to stop. He was visibly frustrated and angry because a girl was beating him. Girls very rarely play sports here. Having a girl better than him in an activity involving strength and endurance definitely brought his pride down a couple notches. And, maybe led him to reevaluate the capabilities of women.

June 14- Tuesday- 8:30 pm

Hopefully it’s early to bed for me. The hour and 45 minutes of walking (to and from town) in addition to 45 minutes of running day after day is starting to wear me down. Also, I have been trying to help out my two sisters before and after I go to Arusha Meru with chores around the house.  It helps lighten their load of responsibilities. As much as I love my 4 brothers here, it makes me so angry that they do not lift a finger and allow themselves to be waited on by the women. I think this is the customary practice in Africa but it still bothers me. So I’ve been washing dishes in the morning (6:30 am) and assisting anyway I can with dinner. Planning days at Arusha Meru are going extremely well. My teaching partner is a 31 yr old from Australia named Rod. He is extremely motivated and easy to work with. In addition, Remmy and Meshack, student volunteers from Arusha, are a great addition to our team. They can tell us about common traditions in Africa and help us cater our lessons to this culture. They also will translate what we say into Swahili. I think having a teaching team of different ages and races shows the students that it is not just mzungu (white people) telling them their culture is wrong, blaming them or forcing our ways upon them but rather that this is a global issue and people of many cultures need to come together and fight this epidemic. I am extremely excited about the children/students coming. We have decorated the room with colorful informational posters and have many fun and interactive games planned. It is very important to me for the day camp to be something they look forward to and not remind them of school where they are lectured all day. I have been frustrated by the few supplies (paper, markers, tape etc) Global Service Corps has provided considering all the money I paid to be able to come. The 5 volunteers at my school constantly must fight over them and I think it will hinder our effectiveness. I would like to take a minute to address some of my thoughts about the ways to travel/ experience a new country. In my planning to come here, I wanted to go to a new city, National Park, Exotic Island every weekend. Now that I’m here I have to make decisions about how to spend my time. I am going to have to sacrifice seeing many of the places I had wished to see. This made me feel sad at first but I just can't justify flittering away my time on being a "tourist" when their is so much need around me, overwhelming poverty and lack of knowledge on life or death issues (HIV/AIDS). So I am going to do my best to make every second here have meaning and purpose towards educating, motivating change, and making a difference. And maybe it’s just to justify it in my mind but I have come to realize that the "real Africa" isn't the Zanzibar beaches, or cliché safaris to Serengeti, or at the famous Dar-es-salaam dance clubs. In trying to see everything you really see nothing. "Africa" to me is my sister telling me about her hopes and dreams, my running through the village with my brothers everyday, our family dinners, the daily life in my home, the neighborhood children anxiously waiting my return in the afternoon, the Compassion Orphanage. A place is about its people; their struggles, thoughts, feelings, laughing with them- just living everyday---taking it all in. If you search for it constantly you might just miss it altogether. It’s been in going with the flow and being open to letting this culture flow over me - adapting, compromising, listening, learning……… that’s what’s been the most enriching. I don't have to travel to the ends of Tanzania......, "Africa" is around me right now in this house and with this loving family. There is so much more to gain, without stepping a foot outside our gate, than I could ever extract in a mere 5 weeks time.....

June 15- Wednesday- 9pm

I am in the sitting room and everyone is watching a comedy movie in Swahili so thought I’d take some time to write since I don't know why everyone is laughing. Earlier tonight I was invited by Judicate to come and see his house and meet his family. His wife is named Joann and they have been married almost a year and have an 8 month old daughter, Jacqueline. Joann is 22 and Judicate is 31. They recently moved into a new home because it is bigger (2 rooms) and has electricity. They pay $2 dollars a month for rent and $5 for electricity. He hopes to build his own home for his family one day. We had a special meal because having a guest is an important event here. We listened to tapes of gospel music on the stereo and talked about America, college, funding for Compassion Orphanage, the tax system in the USA, about being a father, about the need for English to be made a national language. We looked at their wedding pictures and I took pictures of them with my digital camera. Sometime next week I am taking Judicate to an Internet Cafe and am going to help him set up an email account so that he can continue to send his stream of endless questions to me back in America and also to send him my pictures of Compassion Orphanage and of his family. I have never met anyone so thirsty for knowledge. After a long day of working with the Global Service Corps, I sometimes just want free time, but I am so inspired by his dedication to his organization and his desire to bring change to Tanzania that I do not mind taking the time to share my knowledge. People like Judicate are hard to find nowadays. He is a simple man with simple pleasures. There is not one unkind bone in his body. Whenever I see him he is radiating with happiness. He is optimistic and hopeful. As long as his family and friends are happy and healthy he is fulfilled. His sole purpose in life is to help others and be a good man to those who are important to him. In America everything is so complicated. Everyone dwells on the little things. Everyone’s actions have ulterior motives. I think that maybe with added material possessions comes added problems. You lose sight of the things that really matter- having people who love you and living a life of purpose. Ah, my family is putting pressure on me to change my plane ticket and stay longer. I know this is out of the question because I cannot change the day I am leaving and I miss the people at home too much. At the same time I feel sad already about saying goodbye to new friends and my second family and I still have 2 weeks.

June 16 - Thursday- 10:39pm

What an amazing day here. I was super nervous about my first day of teaching. At first the students were being shy and the cultural and language barrier was difficult. Once we started offering a candy reward for participation (candy here is extremely expensive) the floodgates opened. Girls talked more than boys- you know 15-year-old boys and the "too cool" stage. Most of the students are Muslim, which I wasn't expecting. They did surprising well with the nature of the topic, which can be embarrassing and cause the giggles. Sports/recess time was funny because the girls wanted me to stay and play with them. I encouraged a game like soccer or netball (popular here- mix of handball and basketball) but they just wanted to sing and dance- not exactly my idea of a fun way to spend free time. It was quite funny watching me try to be girly. Tomorrow I will join all the boys and play soccer where I belong. After school I went to the large craft market in Arusha….hundreds of small outdoor shops with a mix of junk and masterpiece carvings, artwork and jewelry. They set the prices very high for tourists and bartering skills are essential so as not be ripped off. I am not very good at this so today I just wrote down things I like in order to think about them and return on a later day. Please email me if you have a special request for me to bring back. For dinner I met all the other volunteers at a Chinese restaurant. I have not seen most of them in over a week so it was so nice to catch up and trade stories about our schools and homestays. It was also nice just to be able to speak English at a normal speed and more than a second grade level. The food was fantastic only because it was something other than beans, rice and collards and because it tasted like "America" even though it was technically Chinese food. Several volunteers offered to help me teach at Compassion this Sunday, which is exciting. I'm heading on a safari to lake Manyara tomorrow. There’s never a day to rest but every hour I’m sleeping is time I could be learning more about this wonderful place so I don't mind.

June 18- Saturday - 3:26 pm

We’re driving back from Lake Manyara. What a great experience and one that's totally different from the hustle and bustle city experience I’ve had thus far. The 2-hour drive there was a spectacle in and of itself….empty plains with mountains in the horizon, Maasai men and boys herding cattle and goats in the distance and the occasional village. It’s not like Sakina, where I live, which I refer to as a village. I mean this is the real deal- circular dirt structures with thatch roofs. Maybe you’ll see 10 huts together and then nothing for miles. There are 4 of us to a Land Rover each with a driver who doubles as a safari guide. The first thing I saw in the park was a huge group of monkeys. They looked like small baboons and the females have red butts- funny! The babies were riding piggyback on the mothers. Before stopping for lunch we saw elephants, zebras, and warthogs. We stopped at an overlook of the lake and it was a picturesque sight of maybe 50 hippos sleeping in the mud, various white flamingo looking birds and more zebras. There were dust tornadoes in the distance. Lake Manyara has atypical vegetation for what you'd expect to see in Africa. It is part of the Great Rift Valley. We were driving right in the valley between the lake and the steep plateau representing the continental divide. It was more like a rainforest than a dry savannah desert. Old trees with huge trunks towered over us shading the road. The greenery is very thick and very noisy- insects, multicolored birds, and other exotic species crowded among the leaves and forest floor. Other than the peaceful droning of wildlife, silence filled the air. We only passed a couple SUVs the entire time. It was such a nice break from navigating through the traffic, dust, and general hecticness of Arusha. The untapped natural beauty here brings me comfort for some reason. While I still believe America is the best life this world has to offer and I embrace the luxuries of technology, I like knowing that not the entire world is civilized and westernized. I have utmost respect for the Maasais resistance to advancement and change. At the same time I don't understand why a Swedish women left her life to marry a Maasai and be one of his wives. (A Swedish woman did a presentation about Maasai traditional medicine at Via Via last week). I think what I’m trying to say that it brings me peace of mind to know not everyone in the world is pushing the limits of advancement toward who knows exactly what ....but rather there is still a pull in the other direction toward the sanctity of tradition. The highlight of the safari was the group of 3 or 4 giraffe eating from the trees about 10 feet in front of me. One of them, if I didn’t know better, seemed to be posing for us. He did an entire walk around the car and I swear he was making eye contact with me. Rest assured you will get to see this beautiful animal, almost entirely black with spots, because I took picture after picture as fast as my camera would allow. Overall this is just the day I needed- a break from the seriousness of HIV/AIDS and the weight of responsibility I feel in teaching it. It diversifies my trip a bit.

These are "safari pictures" from Dan's website. (Check back in July to view MY entire Photo Gallery!)

June 19- Sunday- 9:15pm

I’m sitting on the sofa drinking the hot chocolate I bought for the family (3600tsh very expensive here) I also bought a pineapple that we cut up for dinner… which was absolutely amazing. Gladys and I went shopping at the city market (not grocery- outside vendors) in search of a pineapple because I was craving one and also to buy more "chenza" which is the Tanzanian version of a tangerine but better. We had them for Sunday lunch and I fell in love and you can buy them 5 for 300tsh (30 cents) here. It was nice to have a relaxing afternoon just wandering around town. I even ventured on the daladala with Gladys. Other than having someone on my lap and being nervous for the people hanging out the door it wasn't as bad or scary as I had expected. This morning Rod and Remmy, my co-teacher and counterpart met me in Sakina to teach HIV/AIDS to the children at Compassion. Judicate asked me to educate about 30 of the 260 plus children in the program (the older ones) about the basic facts, modes of transmission, protection and prevention of the disease. Because these children are so, so poor they will not attend secondary school where students learn about HIV/AIDS. This is the first time and possibly last time they have had an organized and accurate discussion. Well, the 3 children ages 11-14 turned into 75 packed into a classroom …. from toddlers to parents to the teachers at Compassion. It was an incredible experience. They kept streaming in and we just kept talking, preaching, yelling as much information as possible in the short 5 hours we will have over the next 2 Sundays to inform these high risk children about this life and death issue. They listened so intently as if they understood how important our words were. At the end we told them they could go and play unless they had questions.  Many of them stayed and asked questions- hard questions that, with my easy life, never even crossed my mind.  They asked about topics that a 7 year old should not have to worry about. And there I stood trying to understand what it must be like to be 7 years old and asking what their life (or their parents’ life) will be like if they are already infected. What should a mother do if she cannot afford formula/ cow's milk for her baby but will pass HIV to the baby if she breastfeeds it. Many times the questions have no good answer. How do you explain a lose- lose situation and try to be positive, upbeat and instill hope in these young minds? How do you pretend and keep a smile on your face and tell them it will be ok, not to despair? Several of the kids were very outspoken, clearly intelligent, made to be leaders- to think their vast potential will never be realized! Maybe I am making a difference even if I can keep one of these children from dying from HIV/AIDS but I cannot fix their life and their situation. It is so hard to accept- the fact that this problem is bigger than I am. I can hand them a peanut butter sandwich on the street, jump rope and play football with them, or even teach them about AIDS but in the end their life will still be stricken with poverty, defined by hardships and lack of opportunity. I do find some solace in the fact that day in and day out they do seem happy. They giggle at me and always smile. They are tough and resistant to the conditions they face, at least at this age. But in a way, their optimistic attitude is the hardest part.

June 20- Monday- 9:58pm

I just got home from Big Bite, a restaurant that guidebooks claim has the best Indian food in east Africa. It was my friend Dan's birthday aka a chance for the volunteers to come together and share stories about their families or the school where they’re teaching or talk about maybe a funny/disturbing question one of the students put in the question box. Basically a time to come and laugh, converse in English at a regular pace or find comfort in not being alone in some bazaar crazy thing that has happened to them in Arusha. I was most excited about dinner because, Remmy, our counterpart in my class agreed to come along. I knew money would be an issue so I made sure before she said yes or no that I demanded to pay for her dinner and taxi. I know very little about this girl other than that she is the most essential and influential part of our teaching team and that she was orphaned at age 6. I can infer that her family background and childhood make the issue of HIV/AIDS in Tanzania quite personal. This is shown in the emotion and intensity in her teaching. If one part of the lesson is mine to explain and I talk about it in a serious manner and in a relatively short amount of time, Remmy will take my words and reemphasize the message in Swahili (the kids probably understood about half of what I say in English). But it takes her about twice as long and she'll take what I say and start dancing around and getting in students faces and speaking very emphatically. I wonder sometimes what she's adding to the original lesson but I have full trust that she's doing what she thinks needs to be done to get the point across. To be honest I think she could teach the whole camp by herself- she knows the information inside and out and understands more of the culture. But I think having teachers with diverse backgrounds emphasizes that HIV/AIDS is everybody's problem not just Africans or Americans, rich or poor, male of female. When I asked Remmy what she wants to do as her career she said to be a tour guide. I was not surprised considering a tour guide is one of the highest paying jobs and draws in the most educated because you have to know several languages. It was disappointing to hear though because this girl is too smart, her ideas are too big, and her personality is to vibrant to spend telling tourists about giraffes. So Rod and I have decided to tell her everyday, at least once, that whatever she feels passionate about, however she wants to make a difference….. be it women's rights/ HIV/AIDS… whatever, she cannot to settle for less. I hope by drilling it into her head daily she'll realize that they aren’t just words we are saying but that we really believe it. So it was nice for her to come to dinner tonight to help bridge the gap. Regardless of how well we teach together or the harmony of all involved in the day camp- at lunch we still pair off into groups- volunteers, counterparts, teachers at Arusha Meru and students. If you asked us we would all say we are equal and that we are friends but subconsciously we still separate ourselves (all involved, not just Global Service Corps people). The students and teachers get food from separate cafeteria lines even though it’s the same food, and the students aren't given utensils to eat with.  They eat with their hands  (mind you no running water to wash them before hand) while we eat with spoons. What kind of message does that send? Ah I am rambling on about something that isn't very exciting to read and I feel like I repeat over and over. But this is what I face day in and day out. It is not riveting or suspenseful and I’m not a good story teller but these are peoples’ lives that are hanging in the balance, their entire being, so it’s hard to talk about superficial or trivial occurrences. So, bear with me. I sit down with topics or events to account in my journal each day but my stream of consciousness leads my back to the same thoughts everyday and my pen seems to move on it’s own.

June 22- Wednesday - 6:18pm

6:00 am- wake up. I’m convinced it must still be the night before because I swear I’ve only been asleep for a second. But then I hear sounds of the cow being milked, ground being mopped and dishes being done and accept the fact that its morning. Then two feelings creep inside my head; 1- guilt that my sisters have been awake already for an hour doing housework before going to their jobs and 2-  I have to pee so bad I’m going to explode. (I’m too scared in the middle of the night to go outside and go to the bathroom).

6:15-7:00 am- running in the light of the full moon. A young Tanzanian pro runner training for the half marathon comes up along side of me and keeps me company. We trade running stories the rest of my run.

7:00-7:30 am- rushed to get bucket bath. Get dressed in my oversized clothes for school. Pack bag making sure to bring my daily Cliff bar. (The most essential thing I packed!)  Fix breakfast to eat on the way to school- 2 pieces of bread each with peanut butter and mystery fruit jam and fill my water bottle with a concoction I’ve been perfecting since I got here- hot milk, Africafe (awesome instant coffee), 2 parts "drinking chocolate" and sugar.

7:30- 8:00 am- meet my neighbor volunteers, Jamisa and Laura and share some frustrations and complaints (Jamisa's family keeps asking her for money to help the sick grandson).

8:00-8:30am- meet with Rod, Remmy and Meshack to go over lesson plans for the day. Kids are already in their seats, quiet, staring, waiting for me when I arrive at 8 even… though they know camp doesn't start until 8:30.

8:30-1200 pm- morning session. Start with a warm-up game to have a little fun but somehow find a way to relate back to HIV/AIDS. Example: straight line- one child is blindfolded and spun around and tries to walk in a straight line to a desk on the other side of the room. The first time they get no help from the class. The 2^nd time the class is allowed to give verbal directions and the 3^rd time classmates can place hands on shoulder and guide them. (Then ask how blindfolded person is like a person infected with aids and the rest of the class represents support from the community and the other side of the room represents their future. Then we do lessons about universal precautions, opportunistic infections, assertively resisting peer pressure etc. 15 minute break for "tea time". Then have journal time before lunch in which there is free write time to a questions such as "what behaviors do you have that put you at risk for being infected". During this time we pass out small sheets of paper to write a confidential questions for the question box. (Chance to answer questions they were too embarrassed to ask in class.)

12:00-1:00 pm- lunch. Hurry to McMoody's to get on Internet (These journal entries take a while to type!). Munch on these potato sticks I’m addicted to that are really spicy and make my eyes water but … I crave them all day. Go back to the tale end of cafeteria time and force down some rice for the 1000th time since I’ve been here just for the calories and nutrition before swinging by the Canteen to buy a 'Lotto" candy bar (white chocolate covered wafer) to eat as a snack later and some butterscotch candy to hand out for particularly good questions.

WOW, I expected to write down an entire days routine and only got to lunch. I want to mention some funny events that have transpired. Last night, determined to show my family I had some cooking skills and to expose them to some American cuisine, I prepared a feast. A dozen scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese. They’ve never had cheese because they have no way to keep it cold. Also- they've never put sauce on spaghetti. They eat plain noodles. So I bought a small jar of Ragu for 5 dollars because they have to import it. But, it’s a small price to pay for them to experience the wonder of spaghetti and tomato sauce. So I mixed the sauce and spaghetti and then put a layer of cheese on top. They ate it all and were very appreciative… not just of the money I spent, but the effort I took. I don't want to feel waited on like I’m in a hotel so I’ve been trying hard to find my niche and do my part. I’ve had enough writing by a kerosene lamp. (We lost electricity about 3 hours ago). The shadow my hand creates on the paper is making my eyes strain. 

June 23- Thursday- 6:24 pm

I’m waiting for some friends before dinner trying to guard the gifts I just spent a small fortune buying at the market. I did some excellent bargaining if I do say so myself. For tourists, they hike the price up about 4 times what you can eventually bargain them down for. I usually play the "don't take advantage of me I’m a volunteer who spent a lot of money to come here and help your country" card. Back to the schedule of my typical day… HMMM

1:00-2:30 pm- right after lunch we spend about 30 minutes answering the question box questions. Wow- the questions people ask- some I even have a hard time keeping a straight face for. Others are so good I don't even know the answer and have to search for it on the Internet later that day. I think that although it’s informal and spur of the moment, this is the most important part of the day. Although we try to teach everything we think they should know, I never can anticipate the outrageous myths they ask about. And, there are many questions they have that are too personal and too serious to want their name associated with it. After that we have another lesson. Today we played a version of "telephone" where we told a story to the first person in the circle about a person who contracted AIDS and then compared it to the last persons’ story after it’s been whispered all the way around. This represents how facts change to myths as they are passed through a community.

2:30-3:00 pm- sports time. I’ve been playing soccer with the boys. Some of the girls want to play but only own dress shoes. The past two days we've been practicing the song for the closing ceremony. Our class is presenting a version of “walk on the wild side". The kids are going to dance, rap and act it out in front of their friends and family on Saturday.

3:00-5:00 pm- wander around town. Usually go to McMoody's or Shoprite. The past couple days have been spent on the tanzanite (rare gem found only in Tanzania, beautiful color ranging from UNC blue to navy) search for my step mom and sifting through the craft markets for gifts. I’ve been taking a taxi home because I’m too tired mentally and physically to fight the traffic and crowds.

6:00-7:30 pm- as soon as I round the corner and can see the gate to my house about 15 children run at me from all sides shouting my name and grabbing my arm. Sometimes I’ll stop and play jump rope, dodge ball or duck, duck goose. If I’m in a hurry I’ll ask Gladys to ask them a question about something they are learning in school and give candy to the winners. Then I sit in the kitchen with Gladys and Irene and keep them company while the cook. Sometimes we talk about some serious issue facing Tanzania but usually we just goof around like any three 20-something year old girls would do sitting around a fire with time to waste.

7:30-8:30 pm- the ominous family dinner. Usually there’s about 7 or 8 of us. I always have to serve myself first and if I don't get another helping and a piece of avocado, mango, orange, and banana Mama is not satisfied. I am not sure but I think there is a rule that no one can eat more food than I do. Baba has hinted at it and has said things like "I’m still hungry, can I get more to eat?" aside from that, no complaints. The food is outstanding and reminds me of good wholesome home cooked southern food I grew up with. And the conversation before and after dinner is lively and enjoyable. The way the entire family congregates for meals every night reminds me of home and the nightly dinner my mom insisted on.

8:30- 10:00 pm- bonding time with the brothers and sisters. Sometimes I play the guitar with the boys but usually end up in Gladys’ and Irene’s room comparing ways of life, playing with makeup, playing dress up etc. then off to my room to write in my journal and have a little alone time/ reflection time. School and my home stay are both so unbelievable that I try to give 100% of my effort and attention to both. But in doing that it means there is no down time in my day. So by 10:00 I am completely drained but feel completely satisfied and fulfilled.

10:00 pm- fall into bed. Listen to my iPOD curled up in my new down sleeping bag, my head racing with thoughts until I am in dreamland.

June 25- Saturday- 5:48 pm

I’m back at center house after an absolutely amazing safari to Arusha National Park today. We are meeting everyone here to go to an Ethiopian restaurant (not sure what people in Ethiopia eat so it should be interesting). The cool thing about today's safari was that in addition to a game drive we did a 3-hour hike. Arusha National Park is even more like a rainforest than Lake Manyara. So to be able to get out and walk on a single file path through the forest made the experience even more surreal. Giraffes were walking among us in packs. Above our heads jumping amongst the trees were these primates that were black with huge white bushy tails longer than their bodies and with big beady eyes. They are called calabus monkeys and are only found in this park. The highlight was a 28-meter waterfall. We walked to the bottom. The water tasted salty from the mineral salts in the riverbed as it sprayed in my face. The nature and foliage definitely surpassed the wildlife in beauty. There’s a crater, several km across, in the middle of the park that used to be a mountain before a volcanic explosion centuries ago. Now the crater is a haven for wildlife. 100s of flamingo stopped in the Momella lake as they migrated across the country for the dry season (just so I could see them!!). We stopped for lunch near several old fig trees that had been killed by parasitic strangler trees that grew on the outside of the fig tree. After the fig tree rotted away from the strangler tree, a huge hole lay inside and you could stand inside of the tree. I didn't do this as it seemed like a haven for insects and had already been bitten by some mysterious bug on my ankle. Did I mention the man who took us around carried the biggest rifle I’ve ever seen? He is required to escort you because apparently buffalo and elephants can attack tourists if you accidentally walk right up on them. Last night I took Gladys and Irene to the particularly tasty Chinese restaurant where I had eaten with the volunteers the previous week. We got all dressed up (dresses, makeup, did each others’ hair) and then took a taxi to Dragon Pearl. When we walked through the gates of the restaurant the atmosphere is that of a Little China. It was dimly lit with candles on the tables, fancy table clothes and professional waiters. I ordered a feast because there were so many things I wanted them to try. First we had egg rolls and spare ribs in a honey sauce. For the main course we split sweet and sour chicken, chicken in soy sauce with cashew nuts and broccoli in garlic sauce (which they referred to as green cauliflower). With every new thing that was brought out they would try some and then start speaking very fast in Swahili to each other and start laughing and would then turn to me several minutes later and simply say "its very good Kerry, very good". On the cab ride back they told me it’s the nicest meal they've ever eaten and the most special they have ever felt. I brought back the leftovers to Mama (who turned down my dinner request.  I later found out it was so that she could stay home and cook for the boys of the family- I was quite unhappy about this). As they ate Gladys and Irene told her about the dinner and she came up and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (first time I had been embraced by her) and she just said "asante sana" (thank you very much) and put her hand on her heart. It was the best 42 dollars I’ve ever spent. Apparently my Mama and sisters have been talking to the other volunteers’ families. They feel guilty because their families have told them about me and all that I’ve been doing with my family and the other volunteers think their families wish they had me instead. Clearly my intention is not to win the "best volunteer" award. I just try to do my part and make my family feel as special as they have made me feel. I really am not doing anything other than treating them how they deserve to be treated. It takes so little effort on my part and granted maybe a little money I don’t have to spend but it means so much to them and is a small price to pay to show someone what they mean to you in your eyes.

June 26- Sunday- 5:56 pm

As usual sitting down to relax for the first time in the day in order to write in my journal. Today was supposed to be a "relaxing" day- funny how that never quite seems to happen. After teaching at Compassion (another huge success), Talia, one of the volunteers who helped teach, stayed and had lunch with my family. She brought some children's gifts and toys from America and had been looking for just the right kids to give them to. When she heard about my neighborhood kids she thought they were perfect. I regret so much not bringing more to give away. They have no toys and only dirty hand me downs. I just couldn't decide on a good item to bring in bulk to hand out so I didn't bring anything. Anyway, she brought Beanie Babies, boys shorts, Care Bear coloring books and lots of string to make friendship bracelets. Oh, the looks on their faces when they found out these gifts were for them. Talia had to head back to town but I spent the next 3 hours teaching them how to make bracelets (i.e.- for the most part making them for them for them). Finally 2 older girls understood and helped me explain to the younger ones. Everyone was shoving string in my face and crowding around me. I couldn't make them fast enough and one per child did not satisfy them!….but, what a satisfying afternoon. My time doesn't always have to be spent teaching about HIV/AIDS to make a difference. Sometimes what these kids need most is just some love and some attention. How are we suppose to expect them to assert themselves, respect themselves, believe in themselves- skills so essential for making healthy behavioral choices- if they aren't made to feel important and worthwhile when they are young? So this time next week I will be on a plane to London. Everyone keeps asking me how it makes me to leave. I have a lot of mixed feelings. At first when I got here everything was new and exciting.  Now that I’ve settled into this pace and this life I have come to develop opinions on many things. There are aspects that I’ve fallen in love with and cannot imagine leaving with no immediate prospect of return. At the same time, there are things I’ve grown to hate and resent more each day. Main roads of big cities in third world countries are endlessly frustrating. This was exemplified one day last week when I attempted to run during lunch and was forced to run right through the middle of town. There isn't a much bigger spectacle than a white girl running. Everyone stops what they are doing and yell at me or try to run next to me, laugh at me, whistle or the absolute worst- make this hissing sound that men like to do at women here. This one group of guys waited for me to run back by them and one of them climbed up in the tree and jumped out at me. He had no intentions of hurting me but of course I jumped back and flipped out and they thought it was the funniest thing ever. If it’s not heckling me running then it’s the constant begging for money when I’m walking. It’s not that I don't feel sorry for them or have sympathy. It’s just that I spent thousands of dollars and gave half of my summer to come here and help. So when person after person gets mad when I don't dish out money it makes me feel unappreciated for what I’m trying to do in this country. They give me this look like- you rich American, its just like you to be greedy and coldhearted. You don't want to help and you only care about yourself- and it has really started to get to me and I’ve been harboring a lot of anger at the people in Arusha for making me feel this way. Just because I’m an American doesn't mean I have a money tree in my backyard and it doesn't make it my responsibility to fix all of their problems. I am doing the best I can to help the most I can in the best way I know possible. I hate the smell of trash everywhere mixed with diesel fumes. In terms of what I’ll miss (not including people) I can't really think of anything. I’m sure after a year there would be some food I would miss- most of my daily intake in the USA I’ve now not had in 5 weeks. But I like the food here- it’s healthy and its cheap. You’d think I’d miss running water, toilet, hot shower etc. but that's been one of the easier parts. I miss having a washer machine. Hand washing was fun in its novelty, one time, but now it's gotten old. It’s a 2-hour time commitment I don’t have and I simply cannot get all the soap out of my clothes. I don’t miss the refrigerator but I miss some of the foods it enables you to eat. While it’s been strange to be away from the ocean, the national parks I’ve been to have fulfilled my need for communing with nature. If anything (and I’ll probably never admit this once I’m back), I feel like I’m starting to have a shift in preference to the forest/mountain environment. I am looking forward to returning to an English-speaking nation. Only maybe 10% of Tanzanians are proficient enough in English to have a conversation. It has surely hindered the passage of information bi-directionally. I catch myself speaking with the volunteers at a slow 2^nd grade level, using only simple verb tenses and accenting the second to last syllable. It’s made teaching so much more difficult because both my students and I have to communicate through a middleman translator. It takes twice as long and the subtleties and connotations of the language are lost. Tomorrow-the list of things I will miss.

June 27- Monday- 6:40 pm

So why do I love Africa was my plan for writing today and it’s so ironic considering the day I had today. It’s days like this that I’m so happy I could scream. Every second it seemed like something new and wonderful happened that moved me one step further down this road we call life. Usually it’s a slow climb toward that ideal place where we want to be and who we want to be……a couple steps forward mixed with steps back. But today I seemed to just charge ahead at full speed. Ah, I love it! It all started at school. So many things came together with my class. The past few camp days were mainly lecturing and the atmosphere was very serious- which it needed to be because of the particular importance of the messages on those days. But I think everyone was beginning to feel a little tired and flat. And I wondered if they were still having a good time and also if anything we were saying was getting through/ starting to chip away at their deep seeded beliefs that were inaccurate. Today we put everything together and worked on peer pressure- how to resist it, decision making skills, assertively communicating your opinions etc. We had them break into groups and come up with a role play of a situation they would face in school that involved a "risk behavior" or would lead to a negative consequence. One or two students had to do their best to persuade them and then they had to stand up for their beliefs with confidence and also try to convince the others to change their behavior. They got so into it. They created these involved, complicated, totally realistic scenarios. They acted with emotion and were convincing in their responses to the pressure. Much of the responses contained factual information they regurgitated which helped us evaluate what they retained. Also, letting them create their own mini-drama let us see what situations they face, gave them a sense of ownership about what they are learning, and gave them a chance to practice making tough decisions and assertively communicating them so they'll be ready for the real thing. Then, after school, the 4 teachers at our school surprised Remmy and took her to the tailor to pick out whatever fabric she wanted and then measured her to make an entire outfit. Oh, she was so excited and picked out the prettiest design (purple-imported from India). I picked out some fabric to get one more skirt made (this time asking to have the waist line on my hips and not 2 inches above my belly button). Then I took Remmy to the Internet cafe to set her up an email account so that I can talk to her once I leave. That turned into a whole lesson on basic computer skills, Internet navigation (how to do a Yahoo search), and teaching her correct keyboard positions for typing. What a huge door to open up to a girl who is so intelligent but lacking the means to increase her knowledge! Now the whole world is literally at her fingertips. Even my taxi ride home was unusually exciting. The drive and I got into a discussion about HIV/AIDS after her asked me what I am doing here. He asked question after question and was very eager to listen to my perspective. I’m not sure I was successful in dispelling the myth he held that there is a cure for AIDS but America just won't give it to Africa. I assured him it wasn't true but it’s a fine line between not insulting him and his culture but letting him know that he is wrong in that belief. I’m not sure if he believed what this young American girl in his backseat was saying but maybe it will make him think twice the next time he has a choice to make about a behavior that will put him at risk. It’s amazing the connection you can make just trying to strike up a conversation with a stranger. After a great run with Emmanuel I had my first "how to make ugali' lesson with Irene. It’s very easy to make but extremely hard on the arm muscles. I really want to learn to make it not because I like the taste but because it is so uniquely African. Plus, it was good bonding time between Irene and I and showed that just because I have fancy machines to make my food in America doesn't mean I don't have the desire or interest or think "I’m too good" to learn and do the work involved in all that is "ugali".

July 1- Friday- 10:03 am

I'm waiting, frustrated, for our dress rehearsal for the closing ceremony. The song our class is performing is ready and awesome. Unfortunately, the Arusha Meru teachers are moving this day along at a snail's pace. So I decided to occupy myself with writing as my patience has been exhausted. Overall though I think day camp is ending at just the right time- on a high note before it starts to go down hill. It's like a good TV show going off the air. You don't want it to end because it's still good but you know it's for the best in the long run. My kids are still as incredible as always but I am starting to feel drained and some of the bureaucracy involved with the camp is beginning to undermine its effectiveness. I care too much about this issue and my students to sit back and watch but at some point you have to let it go. So I left a little early and did the last of my shopping. WIA is an organization supporting woman's rights and women living with HIV/AIDS. Mama Mosha, the coordinator of Women in Action, led the volunteer orientation week. To raise money, the women made beaded necklaces and bracelets with stones from Nairobi and are absolutely beautiful. Plus, they support a good cause (WIA also has an orphanage and free school for girls). It's amazing the poor state Arusha is in... given the 600+ NGO's operating in the city. There are 350,000 people in the city limits. It feels overwhelming sometimes. I think I am just beginning to get a little emotional about leaving in 48 hours. I feel like I am leaving right when I am just getting started. I think most of my recent frustration is stemming from that. It's hard to come and pour your heart and soul into a cause and into building relationships around that cause and then have to let them go. I think on a much smaller scale it's like a mother raising her children, working so hard to shape them into the best person they can be and then have to give them up when they enter adulthood and hope for the best. My students aren't ready to be let free. This city is too harsh, the conditions too hard and decisions too difficult. 11 days is not enough. also, I am struggling coming to terms with leaving 3 of the most incredible people I've ever met and realizing the unlikelihood of seeing them in the future. First, Gladys and Irene are the sisters I have always dreamed of having. They opened their arms to me from day 1. The bond was instantaneous. We have had so much fun laughing over cultural differences and teaching me Tanzanian ways of cooking washing, cleaning etc. They are unselfish and endlessly patient in assisting me. They have never asked me for anything although I clearly have more material possessions/money while they barely scrape by. Maybe they are too proud or maybe they are just happy. They seem so joyous and carefree- if I was as constantly positive and upbeat as them I would be uninterested in change also. I mean what do I really have (or does America) that they lack. If the definition of a successful life is happiness then I have more to learn from them. Our relationship is one that I've never experienced before but must be what it is like to have siblings. It's a sort of unsaid support, understanding, friendship, sense of security that can only come from a family but is with someone my own age. While it has taken effort to develop, my relationship with Gladys and Irene has an effortless quality. It is so easy and simple. Usually easy and simple means superficial but I think its actually the type that is only reached because of a certain depth. While I still feel indebted to what they have given me, I would like to feel that I have also been influential. I have passed on knowledge on a variety of topics from HIV/AIDS... to astronomy... to makeup application... to cup noodles and cheese. My relationship with Remmy is similar but has the added bond over our shared burden of educating and changing lives of young people in Arusha. I liken it to the bond veterans feel after fighting side by side in a war they feel passionate about. We are part of a great minority working to produce a change in this society. But unlike me to willingly dispense my knowledge and return to my nice suburban American lifestyle, Remmy will remain on this battlefield probably indefinitely. If I had it my way I would airlift her to the safety of a society/culture where she can be afforded the opportunities she deserves. I know that I cannot do this. I also know that she's one of the best soldiers Arusha has and is destined to be a hero. I take some comfort in that- that Tanzania needs her and she is where she belongs. The best I can do is to continue to boost her esteem and ignite that fire inside of her and send her ammunition from America once I return. But I do love this girl and will certainly feel empty inside when I leave her behind.

July 4th- Monday- 9:04 am (London time)

Back at Heathrow airport. I swear it was yesterday that I was trying to figure out what to do with my 10 hour layover, my mind racing with thoughts of the unknown that lie ahead. Now my mind is filled with different thoughts- words, voices, snapshots of faces and memories. The pull I feel to return home is strong but I can’t help but to feel a little sad and lonely. Too many goodbyes in too short a time. First to my Arusha Meru kids and then Remmy and Rod, then Laura and Jamisa and finally Gladys and Irene.
        I have yet to feel the overwhelming wave of emotion associated with leaving and am currently in a state of flat emptiness. At the same time there is a sense of satisfaction and of completion. My trip was better than I could have ever envisioned. I accomplished what I set out to do and more so. I lived every second to the fullest and have no regrets. I will think back on these 5 weeks as the most defining of my life and there will be a smile on my face. Just one last reflection. I have always been a perfectionist who has pushed myself to the limits and is never satisfied. I work constantly to fill my life with material things and activities in an effort to reach whatever it is that I am always trying to reach. Pushing that rock up the endless hill of life is exhausting at times. But what is interesting and what I’ve realized is that it has only been in the absence of those things and activities (people are excluded) that used to fill my daily life because I thought they were taking me down the road of “success” that I truly found what I was looking for. I now have a different definition of success and a new road. And although I think this hill is no less steep, the rock somehow seems lighter and the work less effortful. As I sit in this airport watching the crowds of people heading in many directions I feel at peace and content right where I am- heading home.

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