6/7/06 Tokyo

so tired. can't figure out how to call home. cell phone is supposed to work and doesn't. obviously having a hard time making a call at the pay phone. no one helps. it is not that people aren't nice or good people.
they just keep to themselves. tried to get on the internet but can only use yen. i haven't seen a currency exchange place to get yen.

i feel ok b/c i am at my right gate where my flight is departing and it's on time. as long as i have that i feel secure.

this is the most alone i've ever felt traveling. i am sure if i was absolutely desperate to communicate with home i could make more effort and work something out. but i am too tired. all of my effort at this point is to stay awake so i can be sure to get on the plane. feel delirious. had a strong 4 dollar coffee. now just feel delirious and jittery.

in nairobi last year i felt equally stressed, tired and uncertain. however, everyone else did also so we instantly started talking- formed a big "we are confused foreigners" group and got through it. i felt secure in the presence of strangers. here i can't tell what people are feeling. thinking. their faces are expressionless. people all around but there is a distance. its as if i am alone in the airport. like there's no one else around. isolation. but there are people all around. maybe it's the east-west cultural divide. maybe there is just a wall between "me" and "them". physically i have transversed the plane into this eastern world. i am on the other side of the world but am i really any closer to these people.

6/8/06-Bangkok

arrived in bangkok about 11:30 and was picked up by a man named tik and his wife. decided not to drive to singburi b/c too late so spent the night at their house. a gated suburban community outside of the city.  they had a dog as a pet. tv. shower. toilet. i slept in a small room with about 20 buddha images together in a shrine. a mattress on the floor.

had to take my shoes off upon entering. rice, spicy veggies and fruit with a spiny peel for breakfast. coconut milk is offered to propriate the house spirit in a shrine outside before i am served.

there are 2 temperatures here- really hot and really really hot. it is unbearable. today was a harder day than any in africa b/c of it. its a heat that steals your energy, hunger, motivation. climbed the steps to the biggest sitting buddha in the world and all i could think about was air conditioning. tried to remember what it was like to be cold. i was sweating every minute of this first day in thailand.

night is slightly better but uncomfortable to sleep even with the fan. and the mosquitoes come out then. and they are acting like they could care less than i am wearing 100% deet spray. it makes my mouth numb when i get it on me but they have no problem biting into it.

how am i going to go running. really early i guess but i still feel like it will be almost impossible.

so we stopped by many temples on the drive today. each one i made a small donation. with that i got a candle, incense and flower. i lit the candle, dripped wax and stuck the candle on it, lit the incense and stuck it in sand to burn. both i made a wish for and asked for good luck. then i offered the candle to the buddha image. also i got 4 pieces of paper with a sheet of gold which i stuck on the image. millions of little gold squares made the statue radiant in the sun and heat.

finally arrived at the greenway camp about 5:30 pm. can't keep my eyes open during the drive. greeted by 4 volunteers. 3 girls from ireland, sweden and holland. the guy is from scotland. all left behind their family, job, life to come volunteer. we all came by ourselves from all across the globe to this common place. there is an unexplainable bond from the beginning due to this.

they have been here since monday. i am really upset about missing so much of orientation. why did they not tell me when it started. i would have been here. i have missed the language classes, a cooking class, touring lopburi (historic city). and the most important thing- they visited an aids temple. a huge site with a community of people living with aids who are taken care of by the monks. its all they can talk about . how moving it was. all the people are dying, the sick children, the peaceful monks. they could not sleep after seeing it they said. i will try and make it up there on my own but i don't know. anyone who knows me would know how upset i am about missing seeing it.

2 other volunteers are teaching english with me at the orphanage. they will live at the dorm with me and go through the experience with me. one girl is teaching in a different school. the guy is doing a construction project from here in chiang rai. i am very frustrated by the organization thus far. the organizer here did not know that i did not want to teach english. he also has not been informed of my bike trip. it made it very hard to communicate these things to him. obviously the bike trip had to be brought up and i felt like i needed
to be honest about my placement. but i can't  help but feel like i've been made to look bad. be difficult when it isn't my fault.

when he asked me what i wanted to do for my second placement i suggested the women's center in bangkok that i had been told by my us coordinator was an option but he was unfamiliar with it. apparently almost all of the placements are teaching english. the other programs have been discontinued or don't need volunteers right now. so i explain i am interested in some sort of social work with disadvantaged populations- orphans, urban women, aids-related public health work etc. and he just kind of stares at me. he asks if i am interested in the environment which obviously i am BUT. i tried to explain what types of areas would be the best match for me given my skills and interests. however, i don't feel like i was being heard.

i am happy to have such incredible volunteers. we are already planning the weekend trips we will take. and all the hardships are easier when tackled together.

i can't help to be felling pretty negative so far which i know my entries are reflecting. the heat is not going anywhere and i don't know if its something one can become acclimated to. also, i don't see this organization turning itself around. its not that they aren't nice, well-intentioned people or that i'm being mistreated. they just don't have the drive to make a difference in their own country it seems or motivation towards maximizing their volunteers- both the volunteers own experience or the influence they can have. again, i don't want to seem overly critical but now having a standard of comparison it's hard not to judge.

luckily, the experience is still in my hands. it is what i make of it. and i plan on doing the best i can. i will be the best english teacher i am capable of and that's all i can do. i find comfort in that. i will give 100% effort and that will make it ok. and i will approach it with a good heart. the children will never know my discontent. they will only see enthusiasm from someone who wants to be there with them. and i do want to be with them. even if i fail at teaching them much english, they will at least know that they are special and that someone cares about them. i have a lot i can offer, i think. or at least i can offer love. i guess that's all we really need.

i have slept very little at this point. maybe 7 hours in the last 48. so i am going to try and sleep one solid night and try to get up early to run.

June 10, 2006

*****This is Kerry's mom posting a message she emailed me this morning..........

i am at the orphanage now and we came into town. we have no internet at the orphanage and i am very far from town. i am actually just using the internet at the phone shop. i now have a thai sim card. but anyway, i
don't think i will be able to get to the internet except once a week. i have hoped more often so that i could put up journal entries everyday for people to read but i guess not. if you could put in my journal that i cannot get to the internet. i will read emails when i can but will probably not respond b/c any time i have will be to put up my journal.  i want people to know that i will only be able to get here once a week maybe and that i am sorry. if you could just add that.

all is ok here. still no idea what i am doing moment to moment but the orphanage is nice. i think i start teaching tomorrow. we have exercises at 4am!

also just say to everyone in the journal that i miss them very very much. and wish i could keep in touch more.
 

6/13/06

***This is Kerry's mom.........The following entries arrived in my email this afternoon.

6/9/06

7:42am woke up at 6:15 after restless night of sleep to thai on some sort of loudspeaker. it is all around, pervading every space. it is inescapably loud and continues on and on. decide to go running while it isn't so so hot. thought it might be nice to move around, do something consistent with what i usually do in chapel hill. help establish some sense of normalcy and routine. try to kid myself into thinking that my life isn't turned totally upside down.

i always love to go running in a new place to explore. i pick a direction and go. noticed markers as i turn. glance at my watch occasionally. smile and nod at people. wai (bow) and say "sawat d ka" meaning hello and gesturing respect.

i think i'll do the 5 senses description of the experience like the one i did in tanzania.

sight: 2 lane road with a yellow line. motorbikes with 4 children, twice as many as they should be. all wearing yellow to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the king's reign today. flags of thailand, the monarchy, a pictures of the king. these 3 always together and visible every 50 yards or so. stray dogs. sleeping, chasing me, hiding. reminds me of the one thing i forgot to do before i left- get a rabies shot.
 

temples. large ornate and colorful buildings. smaller versions of temples on stilts line the perimeter of the temple to protect it. river on one side, rice fields to the other. a dirt path smooth and clear parallels the road. a 10 foot ditch with water separating them. a path made just for me. a soft surface for my easily injurable legs. men sitting looking weathered. exhausted from the hours of hard work already on this early morning. smoking. an occasional smile from those i pass. often no eye contact. shack mixed with nice houses. still,
majority are poverty stricken. side shops. random animals. laundry on lines. dirt on clothes and trash in the water. more electricity, more "things". not so simple as in tanzania. a lifestyle increasing in complexity. new comforts but also new problems.

hear: still the loudspeaker radiating sounds i can't understand. so, IPOD on shuffle (my speakers by the way are the absolute hit with everyone) not many sounds although people all around. people here are soft spoken or silent most of the time. that is the thai way. no yelling at me like last year. no pointing. no mzungu (white person) chants. i kind of miss it i admit.

smell/taste: diesel fumes and air pollution in every breath. the air is heavy. mixed with the smell of fruits of which i am unfamiliar. occasionally an oxygen rich breath. the excess of oxygen produced from the abundance of green around me overpowers the dirty fume filled air.

feel/touch: i feel tired. heavy like the air. it takes about 10 minutes to shake out the days of rest (rest here is a misnomer) and sitting on the plane. then i feel good. it feels rejuvenating to move. i get the runners high of which i am so addicted. this lasts another 10 minutes at which point i realize i'm still exhausted. i realize however before 7 am it is really really hot. i feel sweat covering me again. only 6 hours of relief from the sweat during the night. not enough to be cool and recover. i feel dehydrated and hungry. the ground is flat. i feel flat. but i get back to the gate feeling much better. running on these trips is my saving grace....

6/10/06

i realized how negative my first entry was and i don't want to focus on those aspects any more in my journal because there are also so many wonderful things that have happened. for example. last night we went to
a festival held at the local school in celebration of the thai king's 60th anniversary. he has been king longer than all other kings in the world today. and the thai people love their king. in fact, publicly disparaging the king is punishable by imprisonment. however, i don't think their love for the king is coercive. their excitement last night seemed genuine. it was clear how much pride they have for their king and their country. and, festivals such as this unite various people and communities together as one thai people.

a huge school with many temples was where the festival was held. there were 2 stages, a video screen to project images taken by modern video cameras. there were huge light installations and food, smoothies,
games. a modern fair. the same smell as the nc fair. there were young girls dressed in elaborate feathered outfits dancing in the traditional thai way on stage. makeup with big hairdos. they wore big white boots
with black playboy bunnies on them (not realizing of course. thinking they were cute animals).

another stage were old ladies dancing around in a circle. they came into the crowd to get me and the other girls and we danced together. next, everyone gathered to light candles and sing in thai what i'm guessing was the national anthem. we were taken to a table at the very front and were told to sit there. i think we were the guests of honor. our candles were special . and the video man kept doing a close up of me and eleanor, the girl from sweden sitting next to me. so every time i looked up at the huge projection screen my face was on it close-up. i had not showered, my hair a mess, and wearing a huge yellow polo shirt my coordinator gave me because it is the kiing's color. we stayed for several hours. at the end were fireworks. and then left feeling like i had experienced an evening of true thai culture.

today we traveled in the bus to ayutthaya, the old capital of thailand. it was burned to the ground when the burmese invaded in the 1700s. the city today is a mix of history filled, magnificent ruins mixed with
modernity in all of its shiny, dirty, technologically advanced, imitation of american materialism. the old home of the king, crumbled worn giving an aura of being such a big part of thai origins next to a flashing billboard and a used moped lot. what a strange juxtaposition. it seemed symbolic of thailand in general....the old and the new. 2 worlds existing simultaneously, intermixed but separated. each ignoring, not appreciating or just not caring of the other. or, i wonder, maybe the thai people are working so hard to be more developed,
western, civilized, whatever that means that they are only looking forward and not backward at their past. building upward and forgetting the foundation. the ruins, a world heritage site were among these city
dwellers, yet visited only by foreigners who have read about its importance in the lonely planet they bought at barnes and noble before they came. but then last night, there is competing evidence with the festival and heralding of the king. not sure what to think.

i toured the ruins on top of an elephant. it was an expensive tourist trap i admit. but one of those things that is fun to say you've done. and, the elephants were all saved from abuse and sickness. the money we paid goes to giving them a safe home and breeding more elephants to raise their endangered numbers.

one of the questions on the scholarship application for this trip was to talk about how a sense of humor is important for traveling. another great example of that besides being put on the video screen at the festival was this elephant. i am not sure if he has a cold or what because it did not happen to anyone else. but he kept blowing out his snout and i would get covered with snot. i guess it was catching the wind and traveling back to where i was sitting on his back. but by the end i was literally dripping in it then i was laughing even harder when i realized that a small part of me was glad to be cooled off some by it. ha ha.

a new volunteer joined us tonight. she will also be at the orphanage with us. this is her second placement. the first she worked at a home for orphaned babies and just got back from the island vacation. it was good to hear about her volunteer experience thus far. a preview. she had positive and negative things to say.

i will close with one more interesting thing. the bananas and fruit in general here is the most amazing taste ever. the bananas are short and fast and its like all of the flavor is packed into the little ones here. plus, the spiky and furry fruits and the biggest grapes ever. i just can't believe that these fruits could exist, a flavor that i could not even fathom of back home. and there is no way i could explain to you what it tastes like because there is no comparison. it exists out of your realm of understanding. and really, the fruits are just a
metaphor for my attempts to explain this place, its people and their way of life. but i will try.
 

6/11/06

i am not at the orphanage. we traveled about 1 1/2 hours. i'm not sure which direction.

it is in a completely rural area. the town is 10 miles away. they say its easy to get to by bus, i don't know. the grounds of the orphanage are amazing. its huge like those schools now in the us that are an elementary, middle and high school. also, a living area for the orphans and a dormitory for us. in the dorm there is a downstairs where 2 people will sleep on a mattress, a small kitchen and bathroom. upstairs 2 more mattresses and a little outdoor porch. there is an overhead fan providing marginal relief from the heat. there is a refrigerator although it doesn't seem cold. a sink, a shower, mirror and squat toilet. it is very very clean. although still simpler by far than the american standard. it is much "nicer" than my house in tanzania or the
orientation home in thailand. i am staying downstairs (cooler and less of a disturbance when i go running early in the morning) i am sharing a space with laura, a 23 year old from ireland. we have bonded over
similar taste in music. she is also very quiet which works well with me. there is so much going on all day that it is nice to come back to our room and do our own thing.

no one here speaks english except for the 4 of us. i am not sure what i am to do if there are questions. i know what time we eat and that is about it. i don't know what the next day will be like teaching or...,
or even the next minute. apparently the girls do "exercise" each morning at 4am. that immediately sparked my interests. we have a dorm "mother" who takes care of us. for 10 dollars she will do our laundry
for our whole stay. very good news because i tried my luck at washing them with a bucket yesterday and have not improved on my technique since last summer i'm afraid. now they are just dirty and soapy.

i am looking down at my bed sheets .they have a story sewed across them in english about a mother cooking: "my mother often makes cooking. this cooking is very good"

i feel like there isn't much more to say. usually i'd immediately be outside exploring this place but it is too hot. so i don't know much more than the 4 walls around me. but the dorm mother is nice, i feel safe and clean and have my other volunteers.

i have not been feeling very well. upset stomach each time i eat and chills. i am taking some medicine now which i hope will help. also, still not adjusted to the time change. 12 hours means it is literally the opposite of what i'm used to. i have been going to bed much earlier than everyone else b/c i'm so tired but then i wake up at dawn.

there is no internet here and i doubt i will make it to town often. so i don't think the website is going to turn out the way i'd hoped. optimally i would have gone for a short time each day and updated. unfortunately i think the journal will appear on the website very infrequently and in a much abridged version. i have been writing so much and will not be able to type it all if i only go once a week. maybe it is for the best. given the situation i might spend way too much of the day keeping track of everyone and everything back home if i had the opportunity. and, as my good friend rod told me, i should experience thailand entirely and not try to vicariously be in america through the internet. i think he is right but i miss everyone so much.

6/12/06

6am. run before it gets hot. best 45 minutes i've spent here. just outside the orphanage grounds are some rural back roads. again a paved road paralleled by a dirt one. driveways connect to houses of different
sizes and materials. small wooden shacks with dirt floors, stray dogs and trash burning in the backyard. an old man smiles from inside his house showing his 3 teeth. next door a stucco house with spanish tile
ceilings. big and new. a gate. a domesticated dog. a new toyota truck. i pass a sign that indicates to turn left to go to the doll making factory. a snake in my path. sunshine through the haze. all earth colors save the bright bold colors of the temple roof rising over the trees and against the rice fields. bronze buddha with a yellow sash stares at me as i run by. children in uniforms pass on mopeds driven by parents taking them to school. a car pool of sorts. the suburban third world. this is thailand before my eyes.
 

7am. shower breakfast. cereal (corn flakes) and watermelon. fresh. carved out and eaten with a spoon. bought the evening before at a mall in ayutthaya. cannot eat the hot rice and veggies this early so brought
my own. mosquito bites already.

8am. announce my name to the 1300 students assembled before me. k-e-r-r-y. a word not easily spoken by mouths use to the sounds of thai. they struggle to pronounce it. foreshadowing? go with a teacher to her class. requested secondary school. her students are 8 years old. no english. thought today was an orientation day. immediately the teacher moves to the back of the class and signals me to begin. thankfully i have some experience from last summer for teaching on the spot in uncomfortable situations. head- shoulders- knees- toes- knees- toes. over and over, faster and faster. they laugh. they learn various other body parts. eyes, ears, mouth, nose. hand gestures and pointing the only common ground. 30 minutes pass.
 

8:30-11:30. teacher takes over. begins teaching in thai. i guess that's it for me. i am not really acknowledged from then on. i don't think the studdents could have taken any more english for one day. i leave the
class unsure of where to go next. no one to guide me. lost as to my role for the rest of the day. where are the other volunteers? do they feel the same. she starts on a math lesson. addition by 3s. reminded of
why i love math so much. a universal language. they children come to me so that i can check their work. checks and circles. point to the circles and use my fingers and count the numbers in thai. they understand, erase and fill in the right answer. by far the most successful lesson today. we count by 5s and 10s. the children are adorable. they smile as sweat runs down their faces. they fall asleep occasionally from the heat. they are bright and attentive. they cheat off each other. just like american children in every way.
 

12. lunch. bowl of fried rice. break for an hour. lie in my bed under the fan. too hot to read, move, sleep. just lay and think. think why am i not in tanzania. imagine seeing gladys and irene- cooking with them,
talking in their room all night while i put makeup on them. running with emanueli. a program that was organized. a place where i am more wanted, more needed. why am i here. i begin to think up elaborate plans to escape. fly to tanzania. how much would a plane ticket be? i could stay with my family again for free. work at compassion. maybe it would even save money in the long run. could i pull it off. why not? when i go away this weekend maybe i will never come back. would that mean i failed?
 

1-3pm. more teaching. new class. know some english. if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. recess. suck it up to play with them even in the heat b/c it is my favorite thing to do. teach them duck duck
goose, dodge ball. a little soccer. eventually surrender and retreat to my shaded room and ceiling fan. ipod, journal, cold water bottles carefully placed around my body.

6/14/06

the positive: the children. ...................their bright eyes. hopeful smiles. they are so eager to please. so glad i am here. we work on counting. most know to 10 but struggle with the teens. they know the alphabet but sing it to america the beautiful tune. we practice the days of the week. i draw stick figures on the board and label the body parts. they repeat after me. with the concrete objects we make a meaningful connection. but mostly they repeat and don't comprehend. i say draw or write or some other instruction and they say it back. i can't get below the surface. its so limiting. i have so many ideas for fun games and songs but could never get the directions across. i manage to get them to draw a stick person on their notebooks, label them and then color the parts in different colors. i walk around and check their work. if it is right i hold my hand up and signal for a high five. they have never done this before but catch on quickly. they love the loud noise it makes. some hide their face when i come by but i urge them to participate. they finally touch their hand to mine. it makes a s oft noise and they laugh so loud. the teacher stares at me disapprovingly. i don't think she likes me interactive style. but how else can i communicate but through elaborate hand gestures, facial expressions and movements.  i run around the room explaining the concept of yesterday, today, tomorrow. "what was yesterday"- sweeping movement behind me. point at one to answer. they know the right answer but are so unsure of themselves. an inaudible mouthing of "wednesday". i point to my ear, motion them to
stand up. louder. i yell wednesday. they stand and yell. we all clap. she sits down, her face beaming. we break to sing a song. my version of if your happy and you know it... after 5 minutes i have them clapping,
jumping on one foot while also turning around. they love it. an hour of teaching flies by. i finish the lesson and prepare to leave. one girl approaches with her notebook and says name and hands me a pen. i write
my name. then another comes up and another and then they are all lined up and want my autograph. one wants me to sign her arm so i do. then all arms. all around me. they hide one behind their back so i don't see
i've already signed it once. i realize how ridiculous it is for me to be writing my name. who cares about my autograph. switch to writing different phrases. you are _____ (fill in the blank with an adjective)
beautiful, special, smart, important, etc. they don't know what it means so they run around the school asking until someone knows and tells them. i spy on them from down the hall to see their reaction. the biggest smile.

the negative:
12-5 in the afternoons. no lessons. no tv. no internet. too hot to go anywhere. cling to my room because it is maybe 2 degrees cooler. tired of reading and writing and thinking. just tired. i stare at the ceiling. hours pass by like years. wait for a late afternoon shower to cool things off. everyday. stare . wait for time to pass.
no one speaks english. the teachers are indifferent to my presence. the town is too far away to get there before dark. rice every meal. mixed with soy sauce and the occasional ant. no schedule for the day. basically walk from class to class and see if they want me to teach. 4 volunteers wit ha wealth of knowledge, love
and energy wandering aimlessly. eventually, giving up and retreating to my cell of a room. my legs look like i've been at war. bites cover them. purple spots that look like bruises but aren't. mosquitoes, ants. the worst is the heat rash. it started 2 days ago under my right knee. after along day in the heat with no relief it spreads. yesterday up my thigh. down my calf some today already. it itches sooo much. red. hives. the knowledge that it will continue to get worse. i am literally allergic to the heat, this place. uncomfortable for you to read about heat rash. kind of grossed out? yeh well, try having it. this is my reality. in my misery i keep repeating a word suggested to me by a dear friend: empathy. everyone in america sympathizes with what they read and watch about the 3rd world countries: the poverty, the hunger, the disease, the orphans, we all feel bad. we really do. maybe it even keeps us up at night or convinces us to donate some of our hard earned money. and maybe you all have sympathy for me. you are sorry for how this experiences is going for me. but you don't really know what its like for me. just as how you and i don't know what it is like to be a person living in rural thailand. now i know. i understand because i am now living it too. 4 days of utter agony. i hate it. i am so miserable. and then i realize: oh my god, this is what their life is. their entire existence is like this. their grandparents, parents and probably their children. on and on. i will leave in 3 weeks. they will continue. it is easy to have sympathy but there is only one way to be able to really understand what it is like here for these people. and ultimately, regardless of my complaints, rashes, whatever, i would not trade my ability to empathize with them for anything.

6/16/06

oh what a great day. got up this morning feeling much better (and couldn't have felt any worse yesterday- stomach flue and dizziness- hospital- sleeping all day). i had no classes to teach today because they had an assembly. so we went on the bus to ayutthaya to catch a train heading east to a national park near here. it is supposed to be one of the best in the world. it is where they filmed "the beach" (leonardo dicaprio). 5 different eco systems and it covers 3 provinces. i was very proud at my ability to navigate my way through a complicated route to get here knowing no thai. i conversed with a monk on the bus from the orphanage to ayutthaya because we did not know where in this huge city the train station was. so he got off the bus and walked us to a boat station and then we took a boat to the train. and we really didn't know much about the train other than that it went there. it cost 23 baht ($.70) because it was 3rd class (no a/c, wooden seats, slow). the first hour was hell because it was even hotter than normal, the morale was low from the week etc. but about an hour itno it we were in the lush forests and then climbing and then to the mountains. it was cloudy and much cooler (80-85). the train was open air so i could stick my head out and look around. since the ride was about 3 1/2 hours i feel as if i got to see a good deal more of thailand even if only out the window. small towns, factories, temples up in the mountains. this is what i've been waiting for all week. we arrived in pak chong and what a lovely city. no tourists, big enough to have everything we need (a 7-11, hotel with a/c, internet etc) but not an overwhelming size. we selected a tour to do tomorrow. 7:30-7:30 including trekking, lunch, driving tour, swimming, and temple in a cave that bats fly out of for 950 baht or about 28 dollars. and we found a hotel recommended by the lonely planet right in the middle of the city for 10 dollars a room. oh my gosh the air conditioning is so wonderful i can't even explain it. i looked at myself in the mirror for the first time in 10 days. new clean sheets. still a squat toilet but you can't have everything. its been a 180 for my body just having a couple hours at room temperature. i am again energized and ready to take on the world. we found an all vegetarian restaurant for dinner and i got green beans and tofu. then we went to the night market in the city. row after row of food and clothes. not of souvenirs (no tourists) but just thai people coming out at night to meet with friends and shop for good deals. in fact, i haven't seen a foreigner since i got off the train. then back to the hotel where we can watch the world cup. anna, laura and esther love to watch football and we haven't had tv at the orphanage. and now i am going to sleep early for our big day tomorrow. although part of me wants to stay up all night and consciously be able to appreciate having a/c. let me just end by saying that already i can tell that where we are in thailand is so beautiful. like the north carolina mountains but more green, more and different animals, more exotic. more rural, more poor, less english, not yet touched by the ever spreading homogenizing global culture. so great.....

***Check out the first Photo Gallery!

journal

6/17/06

a full day at the national park. a pickup truck with 2 wonderful guides picked us up. we started with a 3 hour trek. we chose this tour company because it is supposed to be low on frills but high on adventure level and focuses on off the beaten tourist path parts of the park. little did we know how true this claim would be. i knew it wasn't a good sign when we had to put on leech socks. socks up to your knees to protect you from the leeches. still i thought it must just be a precaution. also, the lonely planet said that the trails were not well
marked. i couldn't say if that was true or not because we only stayed on the trail for about 100 yards. then we were literally paving our own path through the mountainous jungle. foliage and underbrush everywhere
meant moving about 20 feet a minute. i can't emphasize enough that we were literally climbing thru a jungle. our guide, tha was in search of a clear view of a gibbon, a monkey/ lemur like endangered animal. so he'd listen for its call in the tree canopy above us and then we'd chase after it. we did manage to get a couple pretty good views. the real spectacle in this park was the insects. think normal insects time 10 in size. millipedes that were 6 inches long, termites, parasites, beetles, caterpillars, leeches, spiders. spiders with horns. webs 10 feet in diameter. absolutely fascinating. it was a little disheartening that there wasn't a nice piece of glass separating us. often a new species was discovered by a scream from someone who noticed one about 3 inches from their face. so to make a long story short- at the time it was a little scary but now i just can't believe all that i saw- and that i was among them in their natural habitat. then we had some lunch and i chatted with the russian couple that came with us on the tour. i learned a lot about russia and did a lot of explaining about how america is not all like memphis, tenn (the only US place they've been to!) then we went to the waterfall that is so huge and famous. it lived up to its expectation. a large volume of water and about a 25m drop. lots of tourists there, mainly thai. swimming. rocks. a rainbow in the mist from the falls. next a quick drive up to the top of the mountain to see a view of the park. breathtaking. the type that you think must be a picture of painting. surely it could not be real. by then it was about 5:45 and we had 30 minutes to make an hour drive to see these bats that come out of a cave at sunset. needless to say we missed seeing most of the bats but i did manage to get car sick. we went way too fast down the curvy mountain. however, i was fortunate that we got to go on this drive because the area of the country out there is stunning. 30 minutes down a dirt road brings you to the real back country of thailand. farm after farm, an occasional wooden house on stilts, a family sitting out having dinner waves as we drive by, little girls riding bicycles together on the street. some soft, acoustic thai music playing on the cd player. we watched the sunset from a field where you also viewed the bat cave. the colors changed in the sky over the mountains of khao yai par in the distance. oh how i love my sunsets. we all just stood there and watched for half an hour. amazing. hop ahead to 10pm. tha (our tour guide) has arrived on this moped to take us out on the town. he takes us to the "chat club" apparently THE "place to be" in pak chong on a saturday night. we sit outside and watch the world cup on a big screen, sipping our chang light beers. inside techno music blares and it is packed with young thais mingling and dancing. we are the only people there not from thailand so we are a spectacle to say the least. and the thai is earning huge points with his friends for bringing 4 farangs (foreigners). he goes out of his way to be hospitable. he says we are no longer his customers but his friends. he told us all about growing up, being a teen in thailand etc. his parents own a guesthouse and a tour company. he runs 3-4 tours a week in the low season and more in the high. i can't believe he is younger than me. he works so much and is so knowledgeable of thailand. he taught himself english out of a book and speaks better than anyone i've met so far. he has to run a tour the next morning really early so he takes us home around 12:30. i was hesitant about riding on the moped (mom don't read this!) but it wasn't scary and the cool wind on my face was nice. we slept in late and had a lazy morning walking around town, going to the internet, buying fruit at the market etc. i decided before we catch the train i'd get my first thai massage.  it was by far the best massage i've ever received. an older women with big strong hands stretched me in all different directions while simultaneously pushing on my muscles and pressure points. my whole body tingled. she even did my feet and my head and face. i was moving the whole time but it was effortless. i've never felt so relaxed. all for about 5-6 dollars. great way to end a great weekend.

6/19/06

i can't help but notice every time i look at the page my new hot pink nails. i bought polish over the weekend to paint the girls nails. but none of them would let me at play time today. i don't know if its a rule here or not but they wanted to paint mine. so now i'm the only one with hot pink nails.. ha.

today was a great day. these times are better than any at watsrakaew so far.  i think i was renewed after the weekend combined with the fact it rained all day so was cool. i ran for the first time in 5 days aka felt
almost back to my normal self health wise. then i taught in the classroom that i taught in each morning last week. i think one problem here is the lack of individual help any of the children get from adults. so when they fall behind for a second they can never catch back up. everyone was practicing their addition by 4's and this one girl was just totally lost and sitting there. so i sat next to her for over an hour until she really understood the concept. i had to get up and check some of the others work and when i returned she was teaching the girl next to her. she looked so proud of herself and excited about being in the opposite role for once. another great new fruit for lunch. in the afternoon 2 1/2 hours with 2 groups of older children, 15 and 16. wow, a lot harder to teach. i'd fogotten how at that age its uncool to participate or be enthusiastic in class. all the boys leaned back in their seats trying to look hip and the girls just giggled when i called one of them... but i got them playing telephone and they came out of their shells. at about 4 we walked over to the dining hall and helped serve everyone dinner. its quite the process to expediently give food to 1300 kids but they have it down to a science. all of the kids have a little tray they carry around all day, stick in their desk in class etc. so they line up in 4 big lines and teachers, volunteers, a monk and whatever rich thai person (looking to fulfill their charitable duty for the year so they can feel good about themselves) donates the dinner and also helps. today they got rice, cabbage, meat on a stick and some soup (of unknown content) and a little muffin for dessert. i helped one other day and was very satisfied with the amount they each got and its nutritional value. i think their is no worse travesty in the world than a hungry child. and it wasn't that i was upset with the people from bangkok who donated the food. i was just mad because they were more
concerned with taking pictures of the "poor, dirty" orphans to show their friends back home than helping out. they would take pictures of each other making sure you could see them with the children in the
background. i felt like the children were being exploited, put on display. i wonder how bad that must make them feel about themselves. for this reason i am going to limit how many pictures i take. only will take them of kids who i've made a connection with or who know i care about them. that i'm taking the picture because i want to always see their face, because they are special, not because i have pity for them because they are poor or different. but oh, what a fulfilling day.

6/21/06/21-

yesterday and today were two more great days. i have had quite the streak of them. i think (hope) the tide has changed for good. "the hour is darkest just before the light" an appropriate quote from an entirely
appropriate book that i am reading right now- the alchemist. i think maybe i had to have the struggles of last week. that it was somehow necessary for me to endure through that time to have and to appreciate my situation now. these three days this week at the orphanage have been so filled with joy. a list of good things:

-running each morning on the back roads next to the river. the inhabitants of the houses on these roads now expecting each morning and come out to sit and wait for me to pass. we wave and i stop and wai (bow) to them.

- my class in the mornings. i now know and recognize their faces. they listen eagerly as i teach. they know the songs now and can sing along. with a couple of children i have started to form a special bond. i look for them in the line in the morning and in the afternoon i find them in the dining hall. they too search me out, our eyes meet. a mutual acknowledgement of the other, smile, a brief moment of intense happiness as you connect with another person. again it is just for a second but in that second i feel not alone in this life. like i have a place and purpose in the universe. and i think my presence here in general, or my search for them in the crowd of other children, or tickling them under their arm after i hand them some cabbage for dinner as they pass in the endless stream of children i serve everyday- i have to think it makes them feel the same. and the mutuality, the shared feeling of joy only magnifies it more.

- the teacher of my class. each morning when i arrive at the assembly after breakfast she runs over and grabs my arm. she holds onto it i think without even realizing that 5 minutes will pass and she's still
holding it. but in the most innocent and endearing way- like if she lets go i'll disappear from this place. it makes me feel wanted here. after i draw pictures on the board, label them, and the children are then busy copying them into their notebooks, i help the teacher with her own english workbook. she takes an english class in bangkok on the weekends and needs help with her homework. she is an attentive student and it's nice to work with someone who's more advanced. and she is teaching me thai. sometime over the last 3 days our relationship has transformed from me being just some random foreign volunteer in her class to it being a friendship. we have exchanged pictures of our families. addresses to keep in touch. she says "why only stay watsrakaew 1 month but thailand 3? stay my class 3 month. you live with me. stay"

- the volunteers. i am so close with the 3 girls here. each is amazing and unique in their own way. we each bring something to the group. never a dull moment when we are together. whether it is sitting around at night playing rummy cup (card game) or together braving new places in thailand.  my time here has been so enriched by their presence.

- all of these experiences come together to where at the end of the day as i lay in bed i feel content. and i think contentment is a rare thing in life. at least for me. i am constantly plagued by the grass is greener phenomenon. i feel at peace in this place, at this time, with myself. i'm not looking forward or looking back but existing entirely in the present. the present- an ever changing instance. in some ways it is impermanent. both nothing, without substance and everything. like i'm on the edge of existence, of the universe, moving with it, seeing it as it unfolds.
 

Photo Gallery 2 is available.

6/22/06

chiang mai. the northern capital of thailand. i've been here for 2 of my 4 days and already so much has happened. night train from ayuthaya to chiang mai. an upper sleeping cart. so cold i had to use a blanket.
pull the curtain and i have my own little room. close my eyes (after some lonely planet reading of course), open them and am in chiang mai at 7am the next morning. another example of easy, cheap travel in thailand. immediately hustled by tours and guest houses wanting my business. within 5 minutes getting that frenzied feeling from being in a big city with its traffic, air pollution and over crowdedness. every street looks the same and i'm overwhelmed. thankfully the gap house, the guesthouse 1 chose, is on the back alley. it has antiques, dark wooden furniture, an overhead garden that shades the hot sun. friendly staff, a/c, my first hot shower. i decided to splurge and spend 10 dollars a night. doi suthep one of the most famous temples in thailand. on top of a mountain, 300 steps, dozens of monks. many more foreigners than i've seen thus far. buddha after bronze buddha. a towering pagoda in the center coming to a point way above my head. i look up at the sky and it must be close to the heavens. a monk gives me a blessing and ties a string on my wrist. my most prized possession. a small donation paid, the string costs next to nothing i know but i feel like its priceless. 30 minute thai foot massage. mocha glacies (espresso, milk, chocolate, coffee ice cream) from the coffee shop on the corner which i notice from a certificate on the wall has won the 2006 thailand barista contest. the neighborhood temple. simplistic beauty. wasting time before the night market wandering around. monk calls to me from across the lawn and asks if i'd like to sit and talk with him so he can practice his english. we talk for 1/2 hour. totally spontaneous. free. i think sometimes i spend so much time and money trying to see everything or do the best thing that i end up plagued by the decision and there is an artificial feel to it. but then when i just go with the flow and am open to each moment, follow my heart and just go- the world unfolds itself in a real way. the chiang mai night bazaar. 6 blocks of shops are constructed each night at 7. stall after stall of the good, bad, ugly that thailand has to offer. the old and the "made to look old". the bargain, the bartering. pad thai noodles at a fancy restaurant. kick back for a couple hours to eat and listen to a thai man playing cover songs on the guitar. his guitar skills are superb. his singing not as good and i wonder if he understands the english words he says.
 

6/23/06

the other 3 girls decided to do a trek to see the hill tribe people. having done the national park thing the weekend before and weary of exploiting and aiding to the destruction of these people's traditions, i opted to go my own way for the day. i took a thai cooking class. only 2 of us with about 6 people working at the cooking school so lots of individual attention and very well run. i was with a 19 year old boy from israel who was kind of annoying but nice. but oh my gosh, the food! green curry, coconut cream tofu, pad thai, egg rolls, coconut pumpkin custard, fried corn cake. we even learned how to make flower figures out of onions and tomatoes. we went to a local market and he showed u all of the ingredients. thai food is simple to make- all you need is a big 1/2 moon shaped frying pan and spatula. it's healthy and tasty. lots of ingredients and questionable if i'll be able to get them in america are the only problems. met an english guy at my guest house whose traveling around and we got some coffee and talked .everyone is so friendly. i got a good taste today of what it'll be like once i'm traveling on my own and don't feel like it'll be lonely or that i'll be unable to handle it. i cant make my mind up about this place. the thai people are very nice. they smile often. but i'm never sure if its motivated by money. is it all an act. maybe they are using foreigners for their money. but is
that so wrong. i mean we all work for a living. we all have to get by in life. and i mean in away i'm using them- their country. sure, i'm  volunteering and trying to give back- but like this weekend- i just want to relax, sight see, do something new. i want to live the easy life and be taken care of. and that's what they are providing. they are merely completing their side of the relationship and they are very good at doing it. at the same time, i am here for more than that. i want to see the real and not the surface. but its hard to know which is which. and it's hard for them to distinguish it from me also. what kind of foreigner am I they wonder. its like i have to gain their trust before they open up and reveal their true selves. which i guess i kind of like. that it takes time and it takes effort and displays of kindness. its not something you can buy. in fact, i bet money widens the gap in understanding.

***** family and friends- please send me your address if you want a post card! even those of you whose addresses i should have or have sent things to before- i forgot my sheet they are written on. so send me an
email asap.

Photo Gallery 3 is available.

6/26/06

7 am. night train back from chiang mai arrived in ayutthaya at 5:30. taxi back to watsrakaew. it felt like returning home upon walking through the gates. i am surprisingly happy to be back. it was a crazy, exciting, fun filled weekend but there is something equally positive here. the simple life, long lazy days, doing purposeful work, interacting with thai people in a more genuine way.

the chiang mai trip finished up nicely. i met up with my friend from tanzania. i volunteered with her last summer and she happened to be in thailand the same time as me. it was good to see a familiar face, to talk to someone about last summer and catch up on what's happened to everyone. we went to a super touristy bar right on the river. there was a cover band doing all western songs. usually, i am against going to places where foreigners make up the majority, but after 3 weeks of experiencing the real thailand i was ready for a quick break. some good singha beer and many hours of laughing.  later i walked myself home.

i also visited some temples that i've heard do meditation retreats for foreigners because i'm interested in doing that later in my trip. i had a wonderful guide, the taxi driver of our guesthouse. after my teacher at the orphanage, he's the thai person i've felt closest to since coming. having spent time as a monk he took it upon himself to facilitate communication between me and the monks at the temples. we talked about his life and his family as we drove around the city. he graduated from a university in bangkok and now lives with his wife and daughter outside of chiang mai. he used to grow roses, a garden of 10,000 that he'd then sell but he got very sick from the pesticides he had to use. so now he's a taxi driver. he gave me a book on meditation
and we had some very insightful conversations. it just goes to show that you can't discount the value of a person because of their profession. when given the chance, he ended up being a very wise man with much information to offer.

anyway, there are 2 temples i really like. both you must take the 8 precepts (no food after 12, no drinking, no comfortable beds, beg for food). also, we get up at 4am. there is no socializing, no writing or reading (even buddhist books) no phone and no napping. just meditation or meeting with the teacher for instruction. 14 days of literally doing nothing other than being with yourself. some of the other programs are more lenient but if this is how monks live then that's what i want to do. plus, this seems like the ultimate challenge. especially for a person like me whose so busy, busy, busy all the time. to stop it all and just be still for a while..... i think it will drive me crazy and really be the hardest thing imaginable. but i also think its important
to cut out all of the external stimuli and distractions and look inward every once in a while. i certainly don't hope to gain some grandiose enlightenment but do hope to find some peace. BUT that's not until mid august. You can read about the meditation classes at:  http://www.doisuthep.com/IBC/index-ibc.html

for now another full week ahead of me at the orphanage. already disorganization here again. ups and downs, ups and downs. 5 days of glorious chiang mai. now 5 days here. it's not that my weekend trips are positive and all of my time here is judged as being negative. it's just that they are polar opposite experiences each with it's good things and bad things. and the roller coaster of emotions that accompany each can be overwhelming at times. although i certainly would not want to have one and not the other. i just keep thinking i'll settle down into a stable "middle way" as they say in buddhism, but not thus far. but comfort and security, some safe place i guess isn't what i'm seeking either. if that's what i wanted i would have stayed in
chapel hill. i came here to be challenged, to be pushed. so in that way, my expectations have been far exceeded....

6/27/06

tuesday afternoon. finished with a long day of lessons. much busier than yesterday (classes were canceled b/c of an "activity") and i'm feeling much better. in many ways though, this been a more frustrating day. the heat has returned full force like that from the first week.

also, ups and downs with teaching. as always the morning started outgreat. MY class, MY teacher. told her all about chiang mai. know the students well enough and have been teaching them long enough to where
each lesson can build on the previous- review and a couple of new things. i test them on "yesterday" and they are successful, feel good about themselves and have gradually become more willing to participate. but then teaching the older kids in the afternoons is so hard. they don't care that i'm there. i ask a question and they just stare at me. which, i know all 15/16 year olds across the world are the same but i mean i traveled so far to help them and to be treated with indifference... they just don't realize how important the information is to their life. the english teacher sits outside of the class and stares at me. i try to get her to translate or help me with ideas on what to teach but she is unwilling.

thankfully, a thai friend of ours is visiting so he helped me in class today (our tour guide from khao yai who we befriended). having someone bridge the thai/english gap makes so much difference. like how remmy
translated my teaching last year. otherwise, you spend the whole time trying to explain, explain. i just don't know why they don't have us paired with a thai person all the time. wasteful. i think today i officially lost hope in this placement.

3 full days left and i don't have enough energy left to fight against all of the problems. which i guess is ok. things aren't always perfect and expectations aren't always met in life. if we were, we would never
grow as people. we rise to meet the occasions as they come and are better for it. i know that. and i am still trying.  i go into each class giving it my best. i think what really gets to me is how different it could be from what it's been. in the end it isn't the heat or the roach that woke me up last night crawling on my face or even the dog that crapped on my clothes in my room that gets to me. i don't really care about any of that. it's that there is such potential for greatness here- both for me and more importantly, a chance to provide tangible help to the students here who really are in great need. so to exist each day side by side with them but not be able to make that connection with so many of them, to feel like i am always on the periphery but with so much to offer. i get the thai smiles all the time and that's great. but i can't get behind that smile, past the surface, into the minds and hearts.

some other random tidbits:                                                                                                                today for lunch my homestay family cooked for us a cold meal for the first time- salad ahhh.

there is no R in thai so the children struggle the most with this letter, they pronounce it like L. somehow though they have a letter which they simultaneously say B and P. they think it's the funniest thing ever that i can't say it.

all the children practice playing the recorder in the afternoon

my hours for sleeping are now 10-6. it gets dark at 7

it rains briefly every afternoon.

as in tanzania, it is always good morning, never good afternoon or night.

the women who looks after us spent all of dinner picking out ring tones for her cell phone. she then ate her dinner after us. she never eats with us.

there is a bird (or possibly lizard, not sure) that makes a calling sound in the front yard that i can now replicate. so, if i do it, it calls back.

today for dinner we served rice and potato soup only because no people donated the food today for the children.

all of the teachers always wear yellow polo shirts because they represent the king. i can't even explain how much everyone loves the king here. quite the different situation from bush.

the hardest thing to buy thus far: hand sanitizer, moist wipes or other no water necessary type cleaners. ironic. also, razors.

number of nights i've had access to a tv: 2....... times i've read a newspaper or have heard anything about american news: 1.

you can not drink the tap water here.

the fruit smoothies (fresh fruit and shaved ice) are less than a dollar. taste great.

new favorite fruit: the mangosteen. hard purple shell. size of a tangerine. thick leaves at the top. similar to a big grape inside.

6/29/06

ah the simple joys in life... this morning my class understood my instructions and did their assignment correctly. we have a little system now which they've come to expect. learn a new concept, practice and then i write a couple problems on the board for them to do in their notebooks combining the new and old.  today we learned shapes so i asked them to draw and color (yesterday was colors) for example "a green triangle". seems easy enough but the whole process from knowing what green is and triangle and then that i want each to draw and color and then to bring up their notebook to check if correct has been slow and painstaking. so today to sit back and watch the system being smoothly executed. to see their little blue squares on their paper- oh the joy i felt, the warmth in my heart.

i truly love these children. they have such good souls. they are so special. their little minds. and they know that i love them- i write it on their papers all the time and they understand. kerry (picture of a heart) you. now they draw it on the board and all over their notebooks. tomorrow is my last day with them and it makes me really sad. the bond we have reminds me of that at arusha meru from last summer.

i am really excited about moving to an new place and having a new experience. but the hour i spend with this class, this teacher each day. their faces. i will miss them oh so much.

i went "jogging" with one of the teachers this morning at 6. as i expected after about 15 minutes the jog turned to walking and talking. which was fine. i can run any day (and just ran after we finished talking) but having a lively chat with a thai person whose totally engaged in what you are saying is a rare thing i have learned. we are meeting to jog (read: walk) again this afternoon. wish it hadn't taken 3 weeks to get this friendship started and now have to leave. maybe it just takes that long. maybe you have to endure the initial 3 week building process to then have the daily routine in which you can sit back and just live, learn, experience with them. i don't know.

i am also sad to leave the volunteers but will see them again in ko saet where we'll spend beach week together. doing this bike trip without them will be weird seeing as how i've been traveling on the weekends and living at the orphanage with them. i am sure there will be a void... especially with my roommate laura.

but talked with the head guy of my bike trip. he speaks amazing english. he knew who i was, remembered where i was staying and we quickly arranged our plans for picking me up sunday. quite the change from my volunteer situation. i can tell already how well run this bike trip will be and am more than ready. there was another group going but they moved to a different week. so it's just me, tanin, who'll bike with me and the car that will drive behind with our stuff, water, a/c etc. it might have been nice to have others but really i'm happy to have the 1 on 1 attention. i would rather talk with him and than smooze (not sure if this is a word) with other westerners. my own personal guide. ha, and given how much i'm paying it should be this way. i didn't realize at the time in america how cheap thailand is and could probably travel for over a month with this money. but we have to splurge sometimes and this will be my week of luxury i guess.

superlatives of thailand thus far:

best thai dish-pad thai
best fruit- mangosteen or pineapple
best leisure activity- rummy cup
best scenery- sunset outside of khao yai
best temple- doi suthep in chiang mai
music most played on ipod- heather and jenk's un deux trois demo....although i haven't been listening to music much.
gift- rare book of buddhist quotes given to me by the chiang mai taxi driver i bonded with
most indispensible item- fan, baby wipes, lonely planet
best book so far- kafka on the shore by haruki murakami
best animal- mr. toilet frog- the frog that lives in our bathroom at the orphanage (see pictures)
most rewarding moment- when a girl in my class (my favorite one) understood how to count by 4's
best daily activity- serving food to the masses of children each afternoon at dinner
best thai word- "wing chow chow" = running in the morning time
best piece of clothing- sad to admit this but the goucho pants for being both not hot and modest
favorite time of day- 6am
mode of transportation- the train
best store- the 7-11 (fulfills 2 necessary conditions- a/c and western goods) in every city i've been to here. and gecko used books in chiang mai
drink- iced coffee that is everywhere here- but when you order it they always make it really sweet with cream. also, fruit smoothies.
best quality in thai people- they always "seem" (see worst section) happy
best service- the thai massage

worst thai dish- spicy food that you don't realize until too late or food that looks great but has meat in it
worst leisure activity- when its so hot that its impossible to do an activity so i just stare at the ceiling
wost scenery- beautiful rivers and landscape ruined by piles of trash which is being burned.
item i brought that i absolutely don't need- jeans (hot), makeup (ha yeh right), sleeping bag (oh to be so cold at night)
worst book- the english book i'm suppose to teach the kids from. laughably difficult for them.
worst animal- tough one but probably the stray dogs b/c 1- the ones near the dining hall are so diseased and mutated i don't know if you can call them dogs. more like sheep with no hair and lots of extra skin 2-
b/c of the one that crapped on my clothes and 3 the ones that torment me on my runs, chasing me barking.
lowest moment- finding out i missed 1/2 of orientation and the roach on my face
worst daily activity- going to teach class and finding out its been canceled
worst time of day- late afternoon (heat and boredom)
worst mode of transportation - the tuk tuk- imagine a 1/2 sized open air car, a crazy driver weaving in and out of traffic, death and life way to close to each other
quality in thai people- that it is culturally unacceptable to display negative emotion
overall disappointment- not having a homestay family
overall greatest thing- teaching my class in the morning.

 

6/30/06

a day of contrasts like so many here in thailand.

my last morning at wat srakaew. a wonderful lesson with the children. gave everyone presents- either an american coin, candy or a picture of me. they got to pick. it was a "fun" day of story reading, song singing
and hugs goodbye. i feel like they are really sad to see me go and will miss me which i mean is a good feeling to have in general, but means so much because i think it means that my presence made a difference in their lives. which is why i came to thailand in the first place. the placement at the orphanage ended on a positive note in that way.

now i'm at a hotel in bangkok. it is everything like a big city. traffic, pollution, a crazy taxi driver, roads that all look the same, people who look the same. the rich pass the homeless sitting and begging and almost knock them over with their prada bag. a 5 story mall that is the nicest i've ever seen. my first night with things like a shower curtain, a western toilet or high speed internet. i had a salad bar for dinner in a pizza chain. i just can't believe this is the same country. guess thailand is doing as poorly with income redistribution as america.

bangkok has every modern luxury that i could ever want down to the brand of soap i like and was able to restock. yet somehow i think something is sacrificed- peace and quiet, piece of mind, and something about the people that's different that i'm at a loss of words to describe- they are more empty or less spirited or kind/compassionate or alive or a little of each i'm not sure. it's like you have to trade in a little part of your soul for nicer clothes and a "better" life. as in tanzania, the rural poor just seem more joyful when you look at their faces or interact with them. money and happiness, an inverse relationship?

but i'm happy to be in a new place and to see the asia equivalent of new york city, compare and contrast. pick up some supplies and wander around. let the masses overtake me. get lost in the sensory overload for a while.
 

***This is the last Journal Entry for June... Click July for the next ones.
 

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