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7/29/06
***These entry dates are so close to the first of August I put them
here....
i have been here for almost 2 weeks now. it has gone by
so fast. when we dropped laura off at the pier today it seems like i was
just stepping off the boat and onto the island for the first time. at
the same time it is hard to imagine my life before and what it will be
like after. my reality is this place and these people and it's like
nothing outside of it exists. thus far in thailand i've felt like an
outsider looking in, or even standing in the middle of it all but being
still removed from it. its been a day for reflection. it's many days of
experiencing with no time to analyze, stop and take it all in. every
second has been so full. new or exciting or interesting or full of fun
all of which add up to being those times in your life when you look back
later and say that's when i really lived. those "remember when" times.
it's almost like a time warp is created- in some ways time is moving
faster, your life is changing at a faster than normal pace, you are
moving forward as a person at lightning speed (as opposed to days,
months, years of time passing but you and your life not actually going
anywhere). but simultaneously time is at a stand still b/c the memories
being etched in your mind of these life changing experiences will remain
vivid and in the forefront of your thoughts for eternity. and so if
something is infinite then it isn't really moving at all?!
its a unique position that i'm in that's made me have all of these
thoughts. laura left today to go to another placement. for one, i am
distraught over this wonderful person and friend who i've shared a room
with for eight weeks and now will probably never see again since she's
from ireland. but also, its made me go through the saying goodbye to
this place process with her, except that i don't have to leave yet. so
I've gotten the realization that comes with leaving of how amazing an
experience this is. but i get to stay for 2 more weeks. i'm
conscious of the greatness of everything here from an outside
perspective yet i am still in it. i have 2 more weeks that will surely
be equally great and i have the ability to shape them into whatever i
want. i feel like the stakes are high- i feel like life is being led on
a higher plane that i must step up to. there is so much potential to be
even greater. even though i could leave today feeling so grateful for my
time here i don't have to.
and what are some of these "great experiences" been the last few days:
well on thursday two of the most personally rewarding moments of my trip
occurred. at work, mickey, one of the professional batik painters asked
me if i could help her paint some flowers. me paint, or more
specifically to try and use water colors and shading to make the flowers
look realistic on one of their batiks! this was significant 1. because
the batik was amazingly perfect that they were asking me to work on and
2. it took them days to make and could be ruined by one slight of the
hand which would then 3. not make it able to be sold for the
ridiculously expensive price it's worth. she was asking me, the girl who
couldn't draw a straight line if her life depended on it. talk about
pressure. none of the other volunteers had gotten the recruitment call,
why me? but i stepped it up. she watched the first couple flowers over
my shoulder but then sat back down next to me and resumed painting and
we sat their side by side until it was done. i did not do as good of a
job as her but the batik looks beautiful. then even more significantly
later that day a huge group came to ta khao seafood to eat lunch and
shop for batiks. so the women laid all of the batiks for sale on the
table and one of my batiks that i did all by myself was being sold! they
thought it was good enough to represent the quality work they do. it was
actually one i was going to give my family as a gift because it's a
family of 3 birds. but, let me just emphasize again how i have struggled
with art my whole life. like foreign languages, i was not given any
natural ability to draw and i've found it immensely frustrating to be so
unskilled at something. so these 2 weeks have required a lot of hard
work, precision (aka draw, erase, repeat) and patience. but i've been
proud of myself just sitting there and ever so slowly learning to paint
all day, everyday. and now i'm over that initial "i totally suck" stage
i find it surprisingly relaxing and enjoyable all of which was
reinforced by these 2 events.
what else: well thursday night i was invited to attend an all island
meeting. i had no idea what the meeting was about and figured i probably
wouldn't be able to understand it but thought it would be one of those
events that would be eye opening to attend. well, that's the
understatement of the year. it started with some song singing to the
king... then the governor of the province was talking about preventing a
drug problem in khao yao noi from developing as it is rapidly
modernizing and interacting with the outside world. in addition to not
wanting people to start using or selling drugs, crime is also an issue
since people will have to steal money to buy the drugs. currently on the
island there is no crime ever - people don't lock their doors, kids can
walk around at night and they don't want that to change. so they were
talking about how money from the government is going to be given to the
villages to teach anti-drug lessons in school and in the home. a well
known public speaker whose also a doctor and a comedian came up to talk
about the importance of the family environment for preventing these
problems- setting a good example and having good communication neither
of which are really true now. parents don't want their kids smoking but
their parents do, or in their culture there is a big gap between parents
and their children- topics like drugs, drinking, sex etc are not
discussed but should be. this is when the meeting took a
comical/disturbing turn. by the way, all of this is being translated to
me by pet, a friend of mine i'll profile soon. so suddenly a projection
screen appears showing a very gory lung transplant of a man who smoked.
i guess with the intent of showing what it does to you so maybe all of
the adults will quit and thus children are more likely to start. but
THEN it switched to the most graphic scene of a women giving birth i
have ever seen. we are talking full nudity, real time speed birthing. i
am in absolute disbelief that this is occurring as i sit here in a room
of 200 men, maybe 10 women, then laura and i obviously the only
foreigners in attendance. the causal link between the meetings main
"message" and what i'm currently shielding my eyes from so as not to
throw up is unclear. it was one of those times when you stop and think
out of all the places and things to be doing- i'm in thailand attending
a community meeting surrounded by muslim men watching a birth in its
entirety. what are the chances. so, laura, feeling these same things
looks over to me and all we can manage to do is the most inappropriate
thing of all time- we start laughing. luckily, people had been laughing
inappropriately all night like at the funny voice of the man who had a
tracheotomy from smoking for example. needless to say the entire meeting
was surreal. i mean, important message, just interesting way of getting
it across. 7/30/06
after a hard week of work laura and i were ready for something fun on
her last day. the husband of fen's sister (also a new member of the
running group) is a boat pilot for tours around the island and offered
to take us around to the different islands. there are many popular
islands to visit in phangnga national marine park which comprises all of
the khaos (islands of mountain-rock and limestone) seen in the distance
of the sea between khao yao noi and phuket to the west and krabi to the
east (see map). anyway, if i was say in krabi a tour like this would
cost at least $40 but he said he just wanted to go for fun and if i
picked up the cost of gas ($10) we'd cruise around. we went in his
little boat which is more like an inflatable raft with a motor. he said
it'd be an "adventure" which for me turned out to be trying my hardest
not to throw up or bounce myself right out of the boat. but we did visit
4 pristine isolated island paradises. i know i've said this before but
the view just seems like it must exist only in pictures, brochures of
paradise getaways, those tv shows of the most beautiful places. yet here
is the real thing surrounding me. 360 degree turn i see nothing but
limestone cliffs rising to touch the sky creating bays of waveless
crystal clear water and undisturbed white sand. the only people i see
are the occasional fishing boat and a local rock climbing expert halfway
up one of the cliffs. dead and i explore the interior of the islands
looking for rare orchids which he'll extract a piece of to cultivate in
his garden and eventually sell abroad. endangered orchids found only in
thailand 's uninhabited jungles produce flower works of art and are sold
for a hefty price. then we just swim around. i float on my back and look
up at the blue sky. i can feel the warm water on my skin so i know i
must not be dreaming. a great last activity for laura and me.
when we get back a huge "last meal" awaits us. there is too much food to
put on the table so we eat on the floor in the den. an 18 inch barbequed
fish, 8 to 10 full crabs, shrimp covered with caramelized sweet onions
(my favorite) yellow curried fish, grilled veggies in soy and mushroom
sauce, sweet and sour sauce, and rice of course. the sweetest most
flavorful pineapple and watermelon for dessert. i absolutely stuff
myself. the thing that sets this food apart from anything in america is
the close proximity in time and distance between me eating it and where
it was grown. every single item is produced on the island. the seafood
was caught this morning and the fruit picked and transported by
motorbike to my table. there is something about eating food from the
area you live- not only does it taste better but you feel better. so
yes, thai food is the best in the world and i have it every meal.
luckily, i am running so much that i can afford to indulge myself and
not gain 20 pounds. speaking of running, the afternoon jog has
transformed and grown to new heights. we are now 5 people and a huge dog
...strong. we have solidified 5 o'clock as our meeting time. mr. ling
picks me up and then we pick up dead, law, pet and dan (the dog)
along the way from their respective houses. mr.ling and law have always
worn these neon green soccer socks to run, so dead surprises me one day
with pairs for both of us. we show up wearing them and everyone has a
good laugh. i mean, its 90 degrees and the socks are hot. plus we are
all wearing earth tones ( i use the term earth literally because its
dirt that covers and dulls the colors of our clothes) and then we have
these ridiculous bright socks on. everyone we pass along our route
laughs at us. but the socks symbolize some sort of bond or camaraderie
forming between the group which is acknowledged and strengthened by the
grins, laughs, and points of the khao yao noi locals as we pass. also,
note that our "stickoutedness" is 5 times magnified by my presence, a
young farang woman leading the pack. anyway, so mr. ling (mr.ex mafia)
stops us in the middle of our run and says: "you know, we are the green
sock running gang". somehow in the process of two weeks we've gone from
a loosely organized jog around to a solidified gang. we have a time and
a route and committed members. we run long and hard (abet slow) for
almost 2 hours a day. and like all runners in the world enduring a run
with others naturally creates a bond between us. yesterday we went to
the market and bought baby green socks cut out the feet and gave them to
pet to put on day's legs. glorious....
8/2/06
i have been unable to get to the
internet- long story. so i am way behind on journal updating and email
returning. i will do my best but actually things here are more far
along than my accounts. i will leave here next friday to fly to bangkok
and rejoin tannin and a couple of his friends for biking. he invited me
to go on another bike trip from bangkok to a national park for 4 days
for free. from there i don't know what i'll do. meditation?
traveling? back to khao yao noi? i leave for good on september 14. also,
i lost all 300 pictures i have taken thus far on the island. also a long
story. i will try to retake them but obviously I'am extremely frustrated
to be unable to give a picture to go along with my experiences. in some
ways maybe for the best b/c it could not adequately capture this place.
Personal Profile: Law
the best of the batik painters. i am in constant awe of his artistic
talent. i spent the first week admiring his work from afar. i didn't
speak to him and he didn't introduce himself or talk to me so i figured
he was either shy or annoyed i was there getting in his way as i
meagerly attempted to learn batik. well, then he meets mr. ling and i to
go running on the first day i join them and it turns out he is deaf. i
am shocked that i did not realize this on my own. i must be the most
oblivious person on earth (i felt slightly better that laura didn't
notice either that he just was not not talking to us and had in fact not
spoken for an entire week). so after my "i'm such an idiot" feeling
subsided, i started observing him each day and thinking about what life
must be like for him. he is completely deaf, never went to school, does
not know sign language ( no one on the island even knew a universal
language for deaf people existed) and cannot read. therefore, aside from
the 20 or so basic symbols people gesture with him he is unable to
communicate with anyone. i am starting to understand at least a little
what that must feel like. no one in my famiy understands english. they
speak a small bit and i speak a little thai but a lot of time at dinner
we just sit there in silence because it is futile and exhausting after a
while to try and talk about our days, our lives etc. it is so limiting
and so frustrating. i mean i am so happy here with them and they are
such good people which is why its so hard because i know they are the
type of people i'd like to get to know. and even though they are sitting
across the table from me sometimes it feels like we are still on
opposite ends of the world. or, take my days at the restaurant. there
are maybe 8 women in the kitchen baking up a storm, gossiping, laughing
and generally having a good time. i am in the middle of them unable to
understand and therefore participate in the conversation. their words
are background noise swirling around me. i manage to tune it out and get
lost in my thoughts as i fall into the repetitiveness of baking. having
had these language experiences i think about law and how his situation
is similar- the frustration, isolation and loneliness that is a
communication barrier. but, i could always find solace in talking to
laura, can snag a quick call home and am able to release all the words
building up in my head, or can talk to the people here who know some
english. for him it is a lifetime of silence. people all around but it
must be like being alone on a desert island or your soul being confined
by inpenetratable walls. and so he expresses himself in batik painting
and makes beautiful art. but, my thoughts fall back to him often and the
struggles he must face.
Personal Profile: Pet
an extremely important character in the story of my life here. i am
unsure of his age but he moved to kyn (khao yao noi) 26 years ago. he is
a carpenter and tour guide. he built his entire house with his own hands
and a hand saw. he lives alone with his huge 8 month old dog, dan. he is
tall with shoulder length black hair, high cheek bones and particularly
slanted eyes. he is a man of few words. they are well chosen and when he
speaks people listen. he has a commanding presence. the first week he
sat with the men at ta khao seafood and said not one word to me. he
leaned back in his chair, smoking although i'd frequently catch him
watching me- intense eyes looking through me, trying to wrap his head
around who i am and why i am here. a member of the green sock running
gang he continued his silent streak the first 2 days we ran together.
then on the 3rd day he spoke to me. it was some nonchalant comment about
the weather or our run, i cannot remember the specifics just the
significance of it. on the 4th day after 1 hour of silence (between us,
mr. ling is of course chatting away) he asked where i came from and why
i am here. it took 10 days for him to decide i was worthy of investing
energy on. but from then we have become close friends. for a man with a
small close inner circle and no interest in acquaintances it was moving
to be considered his friend. pet was a monk for a year and 12 at the wat
in surat thani where i considered doing that intensive meditation stay.
he embodies that sort of wisdom gained from studying and living the
buddhist way. he is mindful in each word
and action when i am near him i can feel his energy. this is very hard
to explain but suffice to say i have learned very much from his
"way". i think he has just figured "it" (it= life or whatever other
grand word you want to use). he speaks by far the best english i've
heard in thailand. he has a grander understanding of the language, its
subtleties and speaks with no hint of thai accent. i have no idea how
his english became so good, so on another level from the rest of the
fluent english speakers here. especially because he only has a primary
school education and comes from a family of fisherman. he has taught
english to just about anyone on the island that knows how. in fact, i
accompanied him to his adult english class that meets once a week as his
native speaker assistant. fen, the father of my family and about 25
others were our students. similarly, i have asked pet to give me private
short thai lessons each day. he is a good teacher an not just because he
knows both languages but because he understands how to teach. instead
of throwing a million words at me at once i learn the structure of the
language- how to put together a simple sentence in present tense. we
have settled into a routine of running with the gang from 5 to 7. i go
home, shower and visit with my family over an enormous dinner. then mr.
ling picks me up and a group of us meet at his bungalow for relaxing,
talking, a little drinking. pet and i have a thai lesson as he cooks
dinner. i bring my ipod and speakers because he loves classical music
and i'm excited to meet someone here with a similar appreciation for
instrumental music. i go home at maybe midnight and have to get up early
for breakfast before heading to a full day of baking and painting.
honestly, it's a completely unsustainable pace. way too many activities
all of which are way too much fun and not enough sleep. ok a couple
small things about thai and kyn that drive me crazy.
1. thai language is tonal: their are 5 meanings of the word maa
depending on if it is rising (like when you ask a question in english),
falling, low, middle, high. when said all together its easy to hear the
difference. but when just one is in a sentence i can't tell if its maa:
come, maa: horse, maa: dog, maa: very etc. found out i thought i was
saying something beautiful these last 8 weeks but the way i was saying
it was actually wishing people bad luck.
2. thai people never wear shoes inside. even outside it's only flip
flops. it's a podiatry nightmare for me and my flat feet which hurt
after about 5 minutes of no orthodics. also, no one believes in
furniture. watching a movie at night with the family- we lay on the
ground. we bake desserts on the floor, eat lunch on the floor. my back
hurts constantly. let's not even address the sanitation issue of ta khao
seafood (feet- squat toilet- walk on the kitchen floor- accidentally
drop a cookie on the floor- package anyway hand as utensils for lunch-
hand used to make dough into a ball).
3- the mosquitoes. no problem. its the little biting flies that get me.
unlike mosquitoes that bite you, get full and move on the little flies
hover around me while i'm painting and bite me again and again and
again. and they produce these little red welts that itch like crazy for
weeks.
8/2/06
overall its been largely positive here. i miss laura's presence. at
times i've felt exhausted and down about the language barrier. but i am
surrounded by friends and busy with my daily activities. i feel like i
have carved a little niche here. people seem more comfortable with me.
those who used to turn their heads now barely notice my presence and i
have finally gotten a sawat d ton chow ka and smile from those who
refused to make eye contact. faces are becoming familiar. relationships
are being established that i can build on a little each day.
example.....
day 1- me: how are you. what do you do
for work here.
day 2- me: how is the making coconut
bowls today?
day 3- them: want to come watch and
learn how it's done? i am extremely torn about my future plans. other
than heading up north for the bike trip i just don't know. meditation,
massage class, a national park, another beach around here? back to ko
yao noi and if so where to stay and what to do. but i am just going to
not worry about it and take it as it comes...
8/3/06
pet invited me to go on a tour he was giving. he said he was going
anyway with 2 customers and convinced mr. ling and i to take theday off
to go snorkeling. it was my first time seeing coral reef. the beaches
and water around here are beautiful enough without looking below the
surface. i had no idea the diversity of animals and plants both in size
and color. it was a particularly clear day so you could glide along the
top and easily see fish, clams, reef, anemone, urchins etc . but with a
good pair of fins and lungs, i was able to dive down and get a closer
look at the sea floor. hours later they had to practically pull me out
of the water. the Austrian couple we were toting around were nice but
not very into water sports and deserted islands. it was eye opening to
see the tour guide- customer relationship from the reverse end.... the
work involved to get everything ready.... the energy to be on top of
everything and keep them happy. a business at the heart although not a
bad one to have. and it was a different side of pet. not that his "thai
smile" worn all day was disingenuous. it's just that up until i came to
kyn i'd been so frustrated by my inability to see what lies beyond that
superficial tourism, money driven interactions. i mean the niceties of
being a customer and having everything planned and taken care of is
great. it's nice to see the sights. but i never felt like i was seeing
anything. it seemed empty and my guides seemed like shells, no different
than how a 9 to 5 office job can turn you into a zombie just to resume
your normal self and normal life once you leave the workplace. but here,
i've seen only the "real side" and not the money making end. although
its the same country i've been traveling in, it's really 2 different
realities people exist in. on kyn i've only been part of that day to day
thai life where people don't treat me like i'm anything special and are
just free to be themselves. it was a bit startling therefore to see pet
and mr.ling in their different hats and reminded me how glad i am to
know the side of them i do.
8/4/06
linking days and concepts together-
i've been very torn in my mind about what to do the last weeks of my
trip. there are so many places i've not seen yet- places and activities
i'd planned on from the start (meditation) and ones i've discovered
along the way (now that i like coral reefs and diving the similian
islands are top 10 in the world for instance). yesterday i decided for
sure, however, to spend the rest of my days here. at dinner they asked
when i would be leaving. i expressed my interest in maybe staying longer
than initially planned. i tried to explain that i've had a odd feeling
here since the first day and even though i'd be sacrificing seeing new
things, i've found a place where i feel truly happy, a place where i
could just stop and be still for a while. why search all over thailand
for the next more beautiful thing. it must be like when you meet the
person you want to spend your life with. you just know that it's right.
you haven't met everyone out there but you don't care to because it
would just be wasting time you could be spending with that person. now
whether or not a place can be a soul mate or whether or not kyn is that
place is besides the point. i mention all of this just to explain why i
want to spend my remaining time here. similar to tanzania, i chose to
stay with my family over traveling to the national parks. i worked at
compassion on the weekends meaning i never really left the village. yet
i never once questioned my decision to spend every available second with
my family regardless of the stories and pictures i saw of the other
volunteers journeys. the opportunity cost would be too great. ANYWAY, i
also told my thailand family it wouldn't hurt my feelings if they
preferred for me to stay else where. that i know they've enjoyed having
me for 4 weeks but that i know it's hard having a guest in your house-
they have to sleep out in the kitchen and just the stress of the
language barrier. so i left them to talk it over. later fen came into my
room and said in perfect english he'd obviously been practicing: "you
are welcome. we are happy to have you as long as you want to stay". so
that's what i'll do (after i go biking and renew my visa that is). after
dinner and this conversation we spent about 3 hours playing with this 2
dollar toy i bought for wan at 7-11. i always pick up a surprise for him
when i go and found this sling shot gun that shots nerf balls. at first
we we're just shooting it around having a good laugh on the front porch-
wan shot it the wrong way and hit himself in the face and what not. then
we took a trash can and tried aiming to make a basket from various
distances. then we decide because of the angle it was better to put it
on the ground on its side so the hole was vertical.. which was obviously
best aim from lying on the ground and lining up the rubber band ball and
basket. the trash can was replaced by 10 bowling pin like objects (gum,
batteries etc) 3 tries count pins knocked down. my family's whole
extended family came over and then next thing you know we have a
competitive, laugh so hard your face hurts tournament going on. i cannot
even explain how much fun we were having with this 2 dollar toy. the
sight of fen lying on the ground with the most serious expressions
trying to knock down these pins i'll never forget. it was like the big
pilates ball i took to do exercises with in tanzania. never did the
exercises but i had 60 yr old mama playing volleyball with it in the
front yard. this brings me to 2 major points:
1- the lack of correlation between
money and fun and
2- the ability of people i encountered
in tanzania and thailand to find joy in simple things. both go back to
explaining why i'd rather spend my time shooting a sling shot at packs
of gum than ____ (fill in the blank with any place or activity that
should, in theory, be better).
8/5/06
learned to drive the motorbike. now no
one has to stop what they are doing to take me to the internet or
whatever. and let's be honest, a motorbike on a small beautiful island-
how much more fun can it get.
8/8/06
sick again. how is this possible? i knew i'd been getting sick for
days but was refusing to listen to my body. i kept thinking it would
pass. i kept thinking surely not here, not in this place. my getting
sick before had to be related to my problems and frustrations from
before and now that i've found this happy spot, i am invincible. well, i
have a kidney infection. more wasting away of days in bed. i feel like my
time here is so limited and i hate missing out on living each day
to the fullest. which is why i got sick again in the first place-
overindulgence in fun, not enough time for relaxing and sleep. i just
hope i can get it together for friday when i leave to go to bangkok. we
are cycling over 100 km each day. no service car so we have to
carry our stuff on the bike. camping at night. tough. but the type of
adventure i live for- at least when i am feeling 100%. anything less and
i'll never make it. tanin, lek and lift are here now in kyn biking,
vacationing, relaxing, visiting me etc. obviously i'm pissed that i
cannot spend time with them as well since they came all the way here.
they are staying at mr.ling's bungalow. all of my thailand friends
together in one place! everyone has been so supportive, understanding
and kind to me about being sick. assuming i have the medicine i need i
would much rather be sick here surrounded by "family" who love and care
about me than be back in the hospital in bangkok.
moving on....
i've been thinking a lot about mindfulness. being mindful is really just
being aware each moment. although it is a simple concept it is difficult
to master. we are always thinking of the past of future of daydreaming
or having thoughts guided by self centered feelings (look what that
person did to me) or making judgments ( i don't like them). just being
present and living with each moment as it comes and goes eliminates all
of that excess baggage that weighs us down. being mindful, thinking
about what you are doing, while you are doing it is liberating. it comes
from a very pure place. this concept is why i became interested in
buddhism and more particularly meditation. when you sit and do nothing
you are forced to be more aware. over time
meditation cultivates a mindfulness which can be transferred to all
areas of life. one of the reasons i came to thailand was to learn more
about a culture centered around these values. i could study about
buddhism in school and in books all i wanted but am a firm believer in
the necessity of experience, of immersing yourself in what you are
trying to understand. however, for most of my trip i've felt more
disconnected from learning about these values and adapting these values
than before. countless times on my trip i have caught myself thinking
(its so hot, i hate this; once i get to this place things will be
better; i can't believe this person/ this culture is this way) even as i
tell myself to relax and just deal with each second, the next, the next.
i see monks and temples all around but the diffusion i was expecting was
not happening. then i came here and for the last 3 1/2 weeks i feel i've
been constantly challenged to be more mindful. i had expected to go to a
temple and force myself to do nothing all day- shut myself off from
others and gradually take a step backward from my excessive thinking
until it was quieted.
i see monks and
temples all around but the diffusion i was expecting was not happening.
then i came here and for the last 3 1/2 weeks i feel i've been
constantly challenged to be more mindful. i had expected to go to a
temple and force myself to do nothing all day- shut myself off from
others and gradually take a step backward from my excessive thinking
until it was quieted. for some, i think that might be the way for them
to become more mindful. but for me, i think my surroundings here, my day
to day life is a nonstop exercise in mindfulness and awareness. when you
do not speak the same language you cannot use words to explain your
actions. your actions are the sole way to express yourself. you cannot
use words to guide people's ideas about what kind of person you are. i
cannot talk about myself or say what i want or hope. i cannot clear up a
misunderstanding by talking it out or express how thankful i am. i must
show all of those things with what i am doing. and when that is the case
you become careful real quickly about what it is that you are doing,
what sort of message it is sending, how it is being perceived. when i am
at the restaurant working with the
non-english speaking wives, i don't get frustrated as they jibber jabber
around me. nor do i get annoyed at the 5000th sweet bread roll i'm
having to package. i just bake. the same with batik painting. i was so
mad at myself the first couple days over how horrible i was at it. "i'm
so bad" "they must think i'm worthless". but at some point i just
started painting. all of the negative thoughts fell away and i was just
doing it. i left at 4 each day finding myself surprisingly relaxed and
peaceful. same with mr.ling and the rest of the running group. we each
show up everyday and run out hearts out, 100% every time. no one has to
say how much we enjoy it, look forward to it, how it makes us feel, how
we feel about each other. when you fully engage yourself in an activity
you experience not just personal growth but also interpersonal. yes,
your friendship grows, your loyalty to each other. but it's more than
that. you create this energy together as a group being fully mindful and
aware of the same thing and from the same perspective. some deeper
connection that cannot be explained by words because it wasn't based on
them to begin with. with fen, dom and wan it is harder- things are
harder when you are dealing with a living situation and not just jogging
together and they know less english. it would be easier to spend as
little time here as possible and cling to the more comfortable places
and people. but i am here. and when i am here i am 100% trying my best
to interact and be a part of this family. i know it's really hard for them
also. but after a while it changed from being mandatory family time to
becoming like a family, like a home. would i rather be off caravanning
with mr.ling and pet- sure. but i would not prefer to be living with
them. when i wanted to go to the hospital i wanted fen to take me. after
a hard day of working and playing i find comfort in our 7 o'clock
dinners. one last thought, when you do not share the same language and
can therefore not understand what people are saying it
prevents you from making that initial first impression. while it is
helpful to us all to categorize and label our surroundings, the drawback
is that we allow those judgments to become lasting opinions regardless
of new information that comes in. i may write someone off as being
obnoxious, boring, not my type whatever in a time/place specific 5
minutes and then generalize that to be "who they are". without common
language, i've been forced to observe people's actions over time. i am
given a random piece of the puzzle here and there.
while my mind still works to construct a picture of what type of person
they are it is on a period of weeks rather than minutes. i miss the
superficial qualities and instead see the less obvious but more "true"
side of the person. people who i know i would have discounted upon
meeting them and speaking thai, i have come to like and appreciate over
time because my judgment of them has remained open. i've come to look
much more at why they are a certain way than just what they are.
allowing all of the information to come in before making a decision,
i've seen how many times i would have been wrong had i decided based on
the first information i was given. as far as myself goes, i am not
worried, or easily flustered over little things. not only do i not get
upset if someone is late to meet me- i often don't even know what time
it is. in a life full of little problems being churned into big ones
inside my head, i find myself carefree. mai pen rai ( no problem). and
that is the story of how i came to understand mindfulness
(corollary: joyfulness and peacefulness) in my little muslim fishing
village.
8/10/06
another day another hospital. acute kidney infection. cool. quite the
different experience though. my mama sat with me all day. she carried my
iv for me when i needed to go to the bathroom. she rubbed a damp cool
cloth on my legs, arms and face because i was hot. fen brought me lunch
and dinner in a little thermos. they sit with me by my bed and look so
concerned. i feel like they really love me. mr. ded came this afternoon
with a homemade checkers board (drawn meticulously on cardboard with gray
and red rocks for pieces) and proceeded to kick my butt game after game. i told him to tell me something new, something i didn't know about him
to help pass the time. he told me about meeting his wife. how when he
was 19 he came to kyn with a job he had that required him to travel and
he met nong. he said he'd been wandering
around alone for a long time but when he met her he was home and that
he would like to stay here forever. but that he would like to go to america or europe or somewhere to practice his english and maybe work
for a while. he said he can't though because he's muslim. it makes it
very difficult. we talked about the wars, about george bush and the
direction the world's heading. i think nong is coming later to give me
a massage. she works at the fancy resort on the island cleaning rooms,
giving massages at the spa, cooking etc. she, mr.ded and their 2 sons
come over a lot in the evening because nong is fen's younger sister.
she always looks exhausted from working way too hard. when i first got
here i think she was a little annoyed with me. not annoyed but just
didn't like spending her evening, her relax time helping to translate
between me and everyone. she deals with foreigners and their
complicated needs and now has to spend her evenings that way? but as
the weeks have gone by- i don't know.. something changed. i now see she
is just an overworked mom with a good heart who is too tired to make
the effort sometimes. and while i am still complicated i think she sees
that my intentions are pure and that i am a good person. now that we
see each other more clearly we've actually become good friends. and so
tonight i am getting free hour long massage number 4. all of this again
goes to show- money can't buy love. money can buy massages but having
them willingly offered is something you have to earn. so sure, this
hospital has no a/c, has a cat walking around. sure i did my urine test
using a squat toilet but it would take me being a lot more sick than
this to prefer the bangkok hospital. it was so sterile, so cold. and
here it is so warm- literally and figuratively.
8/11/06
out of the hospital and in bangkok airport. made it out of the hospital
in only one night this time. i wasn't bored or lonely for a second. i
had 8 visitors make the 30 minute motorbike ride to see me. i had to
argue with fen, dom, nong and mr. ded forever to convince them not to
spend the night on the floor beside me. by comparison my travels to
bangkok went similarly smooth. my family took me to meet the boat. mr.
ded had a taxi friend of his met me and drive me to the airport. my
flight was an hour and now i'm waiting for tanin and lek to pick me up.
its good to have friends with private transportation. the whole trip
took me 5 1/2 hours compared to 15 or 16 by more public modes.
surprisingly emotional goodbyes given that i'm coming back in a week. many hugs and many assurances that i would be back. after a big
lunch i put on the skirt to wear for my journey (sarong- rectangular
fabric wrapped and knotted) that my family gave laura and me when she
left. when dom saw me she started crying. she gave me a long hug and
grabbed my hand and we sat next to each other holding hands for a long
time. i said i love you in thai and she said it back. then i started
crying. i was really surprised by the encounter. i guess neither of us
realized how much we bonded. especially at the hospital. i miss them so
much already and wonder if i should have left seeing as how soon i'll
be really far away for a really long time. but i'm excited for another
bike trip and for seeing another group of friends. and i'm hopeful if i
stick with the antibiotics i can beat this sickness for good.
8/14/06
191 km after 2 days of biking. we rode thru bangkok and out into the
countryside reaching a campsite near a beautiful waterfall just inside
khao yai national park. now we are going around the circumference of
the park. we biked around the eastern side to the northern entrance
yesterday. the first day we started at 6 and finished at 4:30 breaking
about every 1 1/2 hours to refuel. by the way, when i say we i am
referring to me, tanin, lek (the married couple who were my tour
guides) and 11 middle aged thai men. biking is not very popular in
thailand and these guys represent the best of the best. we work
together drafting off each other, single file, alternating the lead.
everyone emphasizes that we are not racing but touring. and i agree
that there is a cooperative feel about the trip. yesterday we started
at 8:30 but didn't finish until after dark. we had to climb over an 8k
long mountain. it should be rolling hills from now on out. the hillside
of eastern thailand is once again redefining what beautiful looks like.
old style thai houses, rows of corn fields, rice fields, old women with
big straw hats, dirty clothes and a huge toothless smile. the physical
aspect of this trip is certainly challenging. new record distances for
me each day. i had planned to ride in the car more but it broke down
right after we started on the first day. a car eventually came but
wasn't the "support" car i'd hoped. now it's going back so there is no
option for me not to complete the 137 km we are covering today. luckily
my body has managed to pull itself together just in time it seems. i
think my kidneys are still hurting a lot but its hard to distinguish
between that and muscular back pain. honestly i'm fearful about not
being able to finish and being stuck on the road side. it has kept me
in constant worry and i have not been myself. once we get to the
campsite we set up tents and meet again for dinner, beer (not me) and
hours of laughter. most of the men speak good english and have really
made an effort to include me in the conversation and encourage me on
the bike etc. i am sort of the anomaly of the group being one of 2
women, the youngest by a decade and the only foreigner. but that's the
way i like it. ok, have to go put the luggage and tent on my bike.
8/18/06
another day and yet more medical facilities (count at 7) day 3 and 4 of
the bike trip were extreme in every way. extremely challenging,
beautiful, exhausting, exciting. in the end i biked 417km in 4 days with
121 on the last day. it was a test of endurance. my training and racing
has been mostly short and fast. i did well in the hilly days because i'm
a good climber and can recover on the downhills. it was the last day of
flat roads and a headwind that did me in. we biked for almost 6 hours
not including stops. it was almost 50km more
than my record distance before the trip started. plus it was the 4th
straight day of 95km or more. while camping and primitive accommodation
was fun and was a new experience from my 5 star resorts of the previous
bike trip it didn't help with getting full rest. i knew my health was
going downhill again. my lower back pain was increasing each day as well
as my sore throat. and not that everyone wasn't supportive and
friendly but it was sort of every man for themselves. lek and tanin were
kind enough to invite me on a trip that was supposed to be no
foreigners. it was their holiday trip and i didn't want them to be
having to take care of me. i didn't want to be a liability. honestly, i
was in way over my head. i wasn't properly trained and with my recent
health issues it obviously wasn't a good idea. but i just couldn't say
no to the opportunity. biking through arguably the world's best national
park. a chance to interact with new subgroups of thai people- upper
class thai businessmen who are serious cyclists. each had a fascinating
life story which they were happy to disclose. how they have become so
successful in a country where so many struggle. because they spoke
english so well it was easier to learn about the thai culture and gain
insight into their thoughts about every issue under the sun, discuss the
issues, understand why they love cycling, what makes them
laugh etc. especially on the last day as i was really hurting and just
trying to keep up, meditate through the pain and take it all in- i fell
into these pockets of thoughts where everything seems so clear- my past,
what is the right direction for my future and particularly the present
moment. how on earth did i get here- on a bike on the thai countryside
staring at the tire of the man i'm drafting off of surrounded by a
landscape beautiful and vital enough to be a world heritage site
listening to dj tiesto majik 5 on my ipod. how in the process of a month
or two i have a free place to stay in bangkok with a couple who call me
their nong sow (little sister) and got invited on this bike trip. it
seems totally natural for me to be there. but then when viewed in these
moments from a removed perspective in which the continuum of time can be
viewed in its entirety i realize how incredible it is that i'm here
right now and doing this. the whole experience of thailand washes over
me and fills my soul. well i made it back. my body somehow kept it
together for 4 days before going back
downhill. i got sick right after and had to go to the hospital. i once
again tried to ignore it and keep a happy go-lucky attitude and smile
with lek and tanin. they've done so much for me already and now need to
be busy in their office. there is nothing i hate more than being an
inconvenience. plus, i want them to enjoy having me so that we can
continue building a friendship that could lead to a lifelong mutually
beneficial relationship (aka more bike trips in the future). well, not
only did i go to the hospital but then decided this place was not an
appropriate place to be..... seeing as they wrongly diagnosed me with a
kidney stone and were considering operating. it was a really low
point... unable to believe i was sick again, requiring more people to go
out of their way for me. my mom decided to call a friend's friend who
lives in thailand doing mission work to come visit me. martha has lived
in bangkok for 16 years speaks fluent thai and embodies that southern
hospitality i'd forgotten how much i missed. she took me to another
better hospital where i've had drs. really committed to figuring out the
mystery of how a perfectly healthy, fit 22 yr old could be admitted to
the hospital for the 4th time in 8 weeks. i think maybe i have a viral
syndrome- sort of like mono where you just stay sick for a long time. on
a positive note i've made yet another good friend. martha stayed with me
all day yesterday and last night and invited me to stay with here while
i rest. she is helping me with my visa, insurance issues- she just knows
everything about everything. which is nice to have for a couple days
since it can be exhausting at times merely being in this country where i
know nothing about anything. we've had many stimulating conversations
about her work, the language, why she dedicated her life to living in
this country. and, having these days wasted in the hospital has made me
realize how much i love being here when i'm healthy. how not ready i am
to leave. i talked to my mom today about coming back here to live and
work after i'm done applying for grad school until i start back to
school. not sure if it's feasible but when you do the numbers its
actually cheaper to live in thailand and volunteers (not "make" money)
than to work and live in the US doing any type of temporary job at
least. i guess i'd been thinking this was sort of once in a lifetime but
maybe it could be more long term. martha was telling me about a thai
language school she's associated with that i could attend. maybe really
committing myself to thailand and its people is what i'm made for. not
sure yet but at least thinking about that as a possibility lessens my
anger and frustration about being stuck in the hospital. a new friend,
new information, maybe another long term connection. i'll make the most
out of my couple days in bangkok with her and get back to kyn asap.
8/19/06
the scope of things i've done on this trip is truly remarkable. i've
been talking a lot about moments of realization about how you come to be
where you are at any given time. today might have been the most random-
gallivanting in bangkok with 3 southern women. we had subway, starbuck's
mocha frappucino's and veggie lover's pizza hut. we shopped until we
dropped at the OTOP convention at the civic center. OTOP is a king
project in which high quality goods from each province are given OTOP
approval and then sold throughout thailand and abroad. from the northern
hill tribes to the problematic muslim southern provinces from thai silk
to buddha images to rare spices all under one roof. it was a great
chance to do all my shopping for family and friends here and in america
since my shopping capabilities are limited once i return to kyn unless i
want batiks. tonight we played a bridge like card game for a couple
hours. i looked around at the interior of this thai house on calvary
baptist church grounds in the center of bankok- a blend of
south carolina flowery drapes and dark intricately carved oriental
furniture pieces. women with curly hairdos and pink lipstick laugh hard
and often and wear their kindness and inner goodness on their sleeve.
martha has a deep southern accent but speaks perfect thai. i read an
appropriate article this morning in national geographic while sipping
fresh (read: not instant) hazelnut coffee about global culture. how with
economic globalization and technological advancement people and ways of
life are transmitted and transfused, sometimes blended sometimes
assimilated and sometimes rejected. are we becoming one fused homogenous
culture or will we maintain our traditional roots? how are these 3
ladies from sc, georgia and mississippi altering thailand with their
presence and how has years in this country changed them. at times with
them if i didn't know we were across the world i could close my eyes and
listen to their deep warm laughter and be convinced we were in the heart
of america. but there is something different about them. maybe its
change that comes from exposure to the world or maybe they were born
different- with that extra edge, extra ambition that sets people to pick
up their lives, sometimes their families and leave the good old usa for
distant lands. what does it all mean? is our farang presence a good
thing for thailand, for america, for us individually? i don't know. i
have to think it helps to bridge some gap in understanding. two very
distinct cultures take a step closer to one another or at least come to
accept one another.
***friends and family- thanks for your
emails. i really enjoy reading them and miss you all. unfortunately due
to sickness and the state of internet access i am again going to make a
general announcement that i can't email anyone back individually. i love
reading what's going on with you but need to spend my writing back time
to work on my journal to try and do mass updates from my side of the
world. butttttttttt in 3 1/2 weeks i'll be back and emails/phone calls
will be made asap promise.
8/23/06
in the business class lounge in the seoul, korea airport. had to fly
home early because i officially have eb virus --> glandular fever -->
mono. the chances of me getting better and thus feeling anything other
than bad by remaining in thailand's tropical climate with its exotic
insects and less than sanitary conditions is dismal. i feel frustrated
at the circumstances, overwhelmingly sad from lack of closure or proper
goodbyes, dazed, nostalgic, numb, sometimes excited to see family and
friends, proud of all that i accomplished. simultaneously fulfilled by
people and experiences and empty for having to leave them . i feel lost
from being yanked from my surroundings before i was ready, before i was
mentally prepared. i feel so angry that this sickness affected me, that
i was unable to power thru and overcome it. that i caused so many
inconveniences, worry, that there are so many loose ends. my things are
scattered throughout thailand- mostly in ko yao noi where i was supposed
to be flying today to rejoin my family and spend my last 3 weeks.
they were all waiting for me. the running gang is waiting for me to run
around the island..... i told everyone i'd be back for sure- not to say
goodbye but only see you soon. all of my batiks are there. my
heart is there. my mind and my thoughts. i am scared. scared that i
won't be able to afford to go back for a long time. scared they'll
forget about me. scared that i won't be able to readjust to my old
life. that my soul will remain there and i'll be stuck in regret and
longing. i have cried more in the past week than in the past 3 years
total. i want to feel better sooo much and i just feel so horrible.
every gland in my body is swollen and aching. i have no energy- i can
barely even walk around.
i spent the last couple days with martha and jeanie in bangkok- my
saviors. martha literally spent 5 entire days attending to my needs,
helping me with drs. changing flights, mailing my belongings, being a
thai-english interpreter and supportive stand in mom. she and jeanie
also kept me well entertained- thai massages, fancy hair salons,
shopping, a full southern cooked dinner. they quickly became dear
friends who i have a feeling will be lifelong. they are a silver lining
in these less than ideal circumstances. and certainly i don't mean to be
negative- these feelings are the result of having such extreme
positives. i have accomplished so much on this trip- taught orphans,
biked over 800km of back roads, traveling n, e and s from the big city
to small villages, stayed in 5 star resorts and taken many a bucket
bath, eaten the most flavorful fruit to fish heads, have 3 new
families- lek and tanin, fen and dom, and martha and her husband, david,
started the ko yao noi running gang. i have learned how to make
thai desserts, do batik painting, a little thai language, some about
thai culture and a lot about values such as kindness, tolerance, and
selflessness. my long time roomies laura and the other volunteers,
mickey, my batik teacher, mr.ling and pet and mr.deat- my partners in
crime. many laughs, many tears and many memories. some of the best
moments of my life. feeling that i was making some sort of difference.
not curing aids, not making any money but moving myself and others
forward- towards something unexplainable. feel i have gained wisdom from
increased understanding of some greater meaning and yet equally humbled.
certainly i am changed. in some ways more the person i've wanted
to become but in many ways just more myself and more comfortable
with that. particularly when cycling and when on ko yao noi- i felt the
very rare self-conscious awareness of knowing you are in the right
place, where you are meant to be. effortless and exhausting.
exciting and challenging. new and comfortable. joyfulness and
sorrow. purpose. life at the extremes. the ultimate juxtaposition
culminating on a higher plane- the one that creates a lasting
impression as the specifics fade- of happiness. of the happiness that
stems from peace.
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